Just some thoughts I’ve been having lately:
💭 I think the last time I was genuinely happy was 2017. So many negative things have happened since and have heightened the things I struggle with. I wish I could go back and change things.
💭 I’m discovering I have OCD. Learning this is helping me understand and explain what I’m going through but it feel shameful. I can’t stand being trapped in my mind. I almost always have to be listening to something to distract myself so I don’t spiral out of control.
💭 My grandmother was the glue to my family. With her gone, everything has fallen apart. I miss her more than anything. I miss the fun relationship I used to have with my sister. I miss us hanging out with my dad. I hate being stuck in the middle of them. And in the middle of her and my grandpa. It makes me want to detach from everyone.
💭 I wish I felt more loved on a daily basis. I wish I could trust all of my friends. I wish I felt like the most important person to just one other person. I wish I didn’t feel like a disappointment everyday. I wish I wasn’t shameful of things that I’d never think other people should feel shame for. I wish I loved myself and prioritized myself. I wish I knew what I wanted. I wish I felt undstood.
I think the last time I was happy was when I out on my binder for a couple of minutes everyday. Sometimes I get happy when I talk to someone even if it’s just for a couple of minutes. And sometimes I’m happy when I get a hug every now again. I think what I’m trying to say is, I know nothing is fixed or good or okay, but I try to take note of the small happiness. The imperceptible stuff. Also I wish I didn’t shame myself as well. God shame fucking sucks. If you ever want to chat, we can. My grandpa passed away a few years ago and it still hurts everyday.
And I dream about being the most important person to someone else too. Don’t worry you aren’t the only one