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We need to raise the boys together and be as good as we can for them. They love us both and needs both of us.

I hate myself for what I am going to say, because it feels like I am doing what my mom did to my dad after he passed away. But I will rather tell you how I feel than behind your back. You have taken care of me in many ways and I do appreciate this. I have no intention of hurting you but have no idea how to make you to understand how I feel. I know I am far from perfect and also have many faults.

But I question my reality, you were the love of my life and I have been with you for more than 20 years and I don’t know what is real and what’s not. I was very inexperienced and immature when I met you and since the beginning of our relationship you have from time-to-time shown cruel behaviour towards me. Dissapearing, Not showing up or being late for many important days in my life (birthdays etc) lying about where you were and what you’ve done. Then wanting to leave me whenever I got upset so I had to beg you and apologize to you. I went from reasonably confident person to a person who was completely obsessed with trying to make you happy.

I feel like I begged you for a long time to change and eventually lost my will to fight. Even when you did very hurtfull things to me I feel like I was always the one that ended up apologizing.

Through all this I was still happy and I think we had a good life. When my dad passed away and my mom told us all the bad things about my dad I promised myself that I would never do this to you or anyone else. The things she said was so hurtfull and I would never want my kids to feel like that.

While I was in the middle of all of this (and you did try and support me with my family) your 40th birthday party happened and it was one of the most humiliating nights of my life. You openly flirted and spent the whole night with Kara that even your friends and her husband got upset. I left you alone that night, I sat outside with other people because I didn’t know what else to do. The next day when I confronted you about it you lost your mind with me and shouted at me that you were just drunk and I must stop being so sensitive. That nothing was going on between the two of you and that I was paranoid.

Then two month later you had an affair with her… my world was shattered. I never thought that you would hurt me with another women, maybe arrogant on my side, but always thought you loved me and that we could stick it out. Here we were, this happy little family and I thought that if I could only be better or prettier it will all be good again.  Everytime I wanted to talk it you, you got so angry (throwing plates and glasses from the table, wanting to leave and me begging you not to). So I had to keep quiet and just move on.

The Showgroup issues then started and we had to move forward and make new plans. We decided to sell the house so you could start again. The house, fortunately for us, sold quickly and we were off to a new start. But the three years after this was the darkest times in my life. I found out that you had a whole other side to you that I have never known about. You could not even admit it to me yourself and sent me to Eddi Wolf a 70 year old phsyciatrist to tell me that you have slept with prostitutes your entire adult life and he spoke to me as if I knew. We were now in a situation that we worked together and I had this big humiliating secret that I was never good enough for you.

You have said and done lots of things to me over the years that has left me feeling extremely insecure. I talk to much. I can’t dance and whenever we dance you force me to dance differently. You have made comments about the way I dress (common) and could fit into Alberton. I have bad decor taste and have thrown my things away. My body was not good enough, to fat or big for you to touch me when I was pregnant. You treat me like I am stupid and always says I won’t understand things. You lie to me without even thinking twice. You promise things would change and they never have. You force me to submit to you with threats that you would leave me if I don’t stop arguing, You will have outbursts and shout at me about small things. You tell me constantly I must relax and I overeact, even if it’s things you know that’s important. You will put me down in front of the kids, tell them mom has a tramp stamp and then afterwards say it’s just a joke. I would be busy talking to you and you would just phone someone else while I am still talking. You cannot put me first, there is always someone or something more important. You freak out in traffic until your entire family are in tears. You have no regard for my time. You make me feel like I am completely mad with the things you promise and say and then it changes constantly.

I regret you joining Creative Space, although it was my and Hayley’s idea at first it came with great consequences for me. I was earning less money than ever before, you and Hayley was building this new business and I feel that I was completely pushed to the side, probably because of my terrible emotional state. You could not stand up for me even when I was trying to help you. I also lost my safe place, where I could go to work and not have to pretend 24/7 that I was ok.

Money has also disappeared from the sale of our house and in three years even in front of Tina you have told me that you will work it out and show me where it all is but never has and then treat me like I am stupid. You get so angry about this that I eventually had to stop asking. The money was all in your account and you kept promising me that it was all there and acounted for

We had terrible fights where we said horrible things to each other. The boys were taking strain and I think I had a complete breakdown. Tina helped to realise that this is not my fault. That I cannot take responsibility for the choices you made. I was diagnosed with PTSD got anxiety issues and developed a tremor. I wanted to leave then but could never build up the courage. I asked you if we could seperate and all I can remember is how angry you got with me breaking the sliding door upstairs and asking me if I really think my life will be better without me.

You then started going to Tina and we went to her a couple of times together. I got to a stage where I thought it would be better for us and the boys if we stayed together. We started to have sex again occationally and found a new house. When we moved in I really thought this was going to be new beginnings for us as a family.

But Greg, you slept with whores again. I am not even sure how it works and you completely loose your mind if I ask and starts throwing phones, remotes or anything you can find.

God knows I have tried and you probably have as well but we are destoying one another. Please let me go and give me an opportunity to be happy and give yourself the opportunity to also be happy because you definitely aren’t happy here.

I do worry about you a lot and I am scared that you might do something to yourself and it drives me insane. I can see you are depressed but at the moment I am also concerned for my own mental and physcal well-being.

I cannot live with you any longer. I understand the implications that this might have for me and that you have lost a lot of income for the year so far but the more I see you the more angry and frustrated I get with all that has happened. You need to leave as you promised you would.

1 Comment
  1. niamho 7 months ago

    I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. You’re so kind and understanding. I have to tell you though from my own experience with domestic abuse it sounds like your husband has been abusing you for years. Even though it’s terrifying to leave and you want to keep your family together it would be best for you if he did leave or if you did. You won’t be able to regain your confidence or happiness back if you stay with him and allow him to continue abusing you in this way. I hope you don’t find me over stepping my mark but that’s just my opinion from what you’ve described and from my own experiences. I hope things work out for you and I’m so sorry you’ve been treated this way for so long. It’s easy to blame yourself when you’ve been treated this way for so long but it’s not you whose in the wrong I promise you. Good luck.

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