When I was in middle school I met a boy who completely adored me. He was kind, strong, handsome, and thoughtful. First look at him you would think he’s scary until he opens his mouth and speaks nothing but kind words. When we were younger we would meet each other in the hallways of school. He would smile and I would smile, he smelled so good when we hugged. He wrote me notes that he left in my folders of my classes. He would draw pictures for me and even gave me his favorite bandana when started playing soccer. All my friends were over the moon at how sweet he was.
But little did I know at the time I would ruin it. He would buy me gifts, sing to me and he would constantly try to spend more time with me. But something inside me change. I dont know exactly what it was. But one day I when we got to high school I didn’t see how what we had in common. I was an edgy, emo, smart girl and he was the football, gangster, built guy.
Over our high school years he would randomly find me and walk me to class. He would find me during lunch time and give me snacks. I was never rude to him, but i was always honest. then our senior year came and he wanted to drop out because he wasn’t doing good in school, and the likely hood of him graduating was slim. But he came to my first period the day he left, he came to find me in my english class asked the teacher politely if he could speak to me for 5 mins. She knew he was a genuine guy so she said okay. I walked out in the hall and he couldn’t meet my eyes. Until I asked him what this was about. He told me he was leaving. He said that he was leaving. My heart dropped because we had known each other since elementary school.
This boy made it very known that he was in love with me, to his friends, his girlfriend at the time and to the world. But i couldnt see how we fix together. Now as I am typing this out i cant help but want to scream at myself for being… I dont know a kid.
Even today as an adult I run from things all the time. I know I am a selfish person. I care about my happiness even now as I type this out. I had a dream about him the other day and we are good friends. I haven’t spoke to him in 6 years. The last time I saw him was the last time he ever tried to be with me. I was in college in another state and he came to see me. I was so confused back then as well and I hate myself for how it ended. I ruined it, and I ruined the man who had nothing but love for me for years.
I wonder what our life would have looked like if I gave it a chance. I chose different guys besides him because deep down I know I was selfish. He deserved better and the more i think about him sometimes the heavier my chest gets. Now i am with this mad who has nothing to offer me.
I hate myself sometimes. actually I hate myself all the time because I am constantly making bad decisions. I plan to talk to this man I am with and leave him. And sometimes I think here I go again. starting over. I hate myself. I hate that nothing or no one feels like they are good enough for me. I hate that I will have to break another heart again because I couldn’t stand to be alone.
So to the man who loved me all his life. I hope you are doing well, I pray you are happy, I pray that whatever woman you are with now treats you with love, care and passion. You are everything I want today but I wasnt ready for it when I was only 15. Fifteen without a father, without real understanding of love, fifteen with deep wound of Sexual assault, deep wounds of abandonment and Im not sure how that makes everything I did okay.
However I wish I could apologize. I wish could hug you again. I wish I could smell you. I wish I could hear you sing to me again. I wish I could tell you I love you too without being afraid that you will reject me.
But here you will never see this message and it is a burden I have to bear. I love you.TKB forever and always from the shadows.
As much as we don’t like to admit that we are the product of our parents, and sometimes the lack of, we completely are. Being in a family with a single bad or absent parent has such a impact and not for the better, and for me it is my father as well. There have been studies done that have shown that people that grew up in households with a toxic relationship do not know what a good one is and often self sabotage theirs before they start or during theirs, and sometimes seek out the same relationships because it is what they perceive is normal.
Even though I can fall into the same pit falls of male behaviours, I can’t really offer much in the lines of advice for relationships but what I can tell you in terms of the men’s world vs women’s world, is that men can appreciate honestly and accountability.
When I was in grade school there was a girl that I seemed to gravitate towards, and often I would get mixed signals whether it is reciprocated, playfully teasing, and sometimes outright cold. I eventually moved away to a different grade school but we then met again in high school, and although wasn’t quite the same we did talk when ever we saw one another, but it was obvious that she was not interested in my in any sort of relationship. She eventually dated a guy, who was kind of a jerk, and ended up getting pregnant at 16 with his child but decided to keep it. Fast forward a little bit till the next year, on our last year of high school, she asked to see me in the hall after last class when people where going home. We found a place to talk with nobody else around and she told me something in the lines of (it was a long time ago) “I know I was a jerk to you in the past and I’m sorry for that. I’m sure you already know I have a kid, but I was wondering if you would consider going out with me?”. I was blown away and I didn’t expect to hear it but I appreciated the kind words but… I had a girlfriend that wasn’t in that school and I told her that I was dating someone already, and if I were not, it would be different. I know that answer crushed her that day and I still feel bad about it to this day, but I do wonder about if I said yes sometimes.
I know this blog is a little older now and I didn’t notice it till it popped up on a recommended. I hope you get this and are having a wonderful day. 🙂
Im constantly venting on this blog because no one knows my identity but its a bit therapeutic. I have to vent somewhere and this had become a personal blog for me.. I had a boyfriend who read my journals so my really personal feelings are here and I left him about 4 yers ago now. Its just easier to put it here its kind of like sending it into space..But thank you for sharing that with me it did bring some comfort being reminded that there are universes where you can’t say what you want to say because you made the choice and you got to live on it. Thats the weird part about time and life. And you will always wonder what could have been. Ive been trying to adjust my thinking and my responses to receiving love. I reached out to him actually and we plan to meet again. He’s been in a bad place and me reaching out to him reminded him a bit about who he use to be. He confessed he loved me. Im going to do an entry on my page about if you want to know more. I do appreciate you comment. Thank you
You are more then welcome. I do the same with blogging and I did not realize how much just unpacking stuff has helped. I’m also terrible at writing and it has improved, so bonus! I can imagine you brought a smile to his face that day and it’ll be nice to catch up. Even if you two end up only communicating the once, it will be closure of that chapter for the both of you.