I feel so alone, right now.  I miss beig able to touch my husband.  (In recent months, he’d never reach for me, but he usually didn’t push me away.  His enthusiasm was, however, quite lacking, when we’d get down to it.)  I miss things being okay between us.  I hate the unspoken uncertainty that hangs over everything in our lives, now.  I know…  most people couldn’t forgive this, and most relationships couldn’t survive this, but…  we’re different.  We love each other, so much.  What we have…  it’s what I was looking for, every time I ever let someone get close, or put their hands on me…  I was looking for the connection I have with him.  But, I’m too nuts to be the woman he wants me to be, and I’m too weak, and broken down to pull myself together, to be stronger, or better, for him, right now.  In spite of everything, he still loves me.  He spends his free time with me.  Holds me at night…  but, today, before he left for work, when I went to give him a hug, he turned his face, like he was ducking a kiss.  I wasn’t trying to kiss him, but the fact that he seemed to think I was trying to, and evaded me, really stung.  I go back and forth between feeling like he’s being incredibly patient, and kind, and feeling like he’s being unfair, and not giving me the consideration I deserve.  After all, a lot’s happened in the past seven years.  We’ve both done a lot of damage.  I cheated, but he’s broken my heart, so many ways, so many times.  And, you can’t just stop all intimacy with someone, and expect nothing to come of it.  When intimacy leaves a relationship, it usually goes somewhere else. 

And, mine went to Quinn.  And, now, my best friend is gone, too.  Maybe, he’ll come around, when he feels things have died down a little.  Or, when he gets over a little of his guilt, and embarrassment…  but, it’s breaking my heart not having him in my life.  I don’t have that many friends.  The ones I do have mean so much to me.  I never wanted to run off with Quinn.  It’s not like I felt for him, anything like what I feel for Charlie.  The love I had with Quinn was all about our closeness as friends.  It just, became sexual, somehow.  I know there was chemistry there.  But, I don’t know how I lost myself in the situation enough to have the affair.  I think it happened when I started to think that Quinn needed me.  I don’t know if he really did, or didn’t, but he seemed to, and his enthusiasm for me was so exciting, after not feeling wanted, at all, for so long.  He made me feel beautiful, again.  Pug was  the first guy who ever really managed to make me feel that way, but he hadn’t wanted me in so long, that I’d just stopped feeling it.  I felt wanted, and I was happy.  It’s so selfish, and wrong, but I was with the man I loved, the man I wanted to be with, and I got to have the occasional tryst with my best friend (who’d get as kinky, and worked up as I could want him to be).  This was a two month long situation, but I was manic the whole time, and never stopped to really think about where it was all going.  About how badly it could end…  for all of us…  obviously, I should’ve, but…  I felt like I was living in a daydream.  But, my little joy ride broke my husband’s heart.  I wish he’d just come to me, instead of making that damn recording.  I erased it, a few weeks ago.  No reason that should exist.  I wish I could take it all back.  Just, turn things back to December, before I let things get out of hand with Quinn.  I could have it all back.  My husband…  my best friend…  and, I coud keep it all safe.  If I’d seen this in the distance…  of course, I never would’v crossed that line. 

But, that’s the trouble with temptation. 

We usually just see what’s in front of us.  What’s calling to us… 

and, some of us don’t know how to stop longing…  no matter how much it hurts.    

Sometimes, I wish I could just close my eyes, drift off, and not come back. 

I can’t even afford to off myself the way I’d like to.  (Drugs are expensive, and I am poor).

I really hate myself, and my life, today.  I really, really wish I could just get up the nerve to make it all stop.  I’ve had a lot of bad ass experiences in twenty-eight years.  A lot of love, a lot of adventures…  and, I’ve also lost a lot of time, to depression, and subsequent addictions.  Sometimes, I just can’t see how I’m gonna make anything good out of what’s left.  I don’t know how to go on without my husband’s love, or my best friend’s supposet.  And, feeling like I’m losing them both is the most crippling, painful thing I can imagine, at this point.  Quinn would say, that when you think things couldn’t possibly be any worse, just imagine adding a stab wound to the equation (and, thusly, any situation is made worse).  Maybe, that’s not always the case.  Maybe…  the only way to make this stop, is to carve my way out of this. 

But, I’m a pretty cowardly person when it comes my own mortality.  I’m wreckless, but I can’t bring myself to take any direct action.  I don’t know why.  Maybe, I’ll get over it, in time.