To be honest, I still feel like crying this morning, just not as strongly. As much as I love the rain, I'm grateful that it's sunny this morning. It helps my mood raise up some. I'm very sensitive to weather changes when it comes to my mood swings ~ I wonder ifmost people with bipolar deal with that?

Last night I bought myself some Verdi (an inexpensive sparkling wine) and drank 3 glasses. It calmed my nerves and allowed me to talk to Aaron about how I was feeling. It never gets easier trying to explain to someone who doesn't have depression/bipolar that you just get sad for no specific reason. I think Mary is right though, part of it was a busy weekend and the worries weighing on my mind. I crash pretty hard after I'm really busy for a few days.

I keep thinking about my life and how different it would be without this illness. Who would I be now? Where would I be? What kind of life would my family and I have? Even though I know thinking like that will never do me any good it doesn't stop it from slipping into my thoughts? What would it be like if my husband didn't have to be the sole provider of income for our family?

That's one of my biggest fears, and one I'm having to wrestle with right now. We need to be able to save up money to put a down-payment on a house in the next couple of years, and on his pay alone, there's no way we can do it. Which leaves me facing having to work an almost full-time job.I don't know if I can do it. I don't want to start and then have to leave because the stress is too much for me to bear. But I have to do SOMETHING. I've decided that come late August if I don't start getting a lot more hours at work then I'm going to seek employment elsewhere. Maybe at Publix. From what I hear they are really good to their employees and they make sure you get decent amounts of hours. I don't know. I'm really scared to tell the truth. What if I fail?

I've got to go to the bank today and go get my Mom's rent money out. I was thinking about finishing weeding my garden but I don't know if I have the motivation for it. I also need to do the rest of the laundry before Mom is home tomorrow because she needs the washer/dryer to do her laundry. I really don't want to deal with her being home tomorrow ~ I'm sick of her judgements about how I do things or don't do things. I just get sick of being treated like a child and dealing with her constant disapproval. It makes me want to scream.

I have to go feed the birds, the ducks and start cleaning cages. I also have to change the water in the betta bowls. Someone asked us if we'd like another rabbit, and as much as I do, I know I can't handle it. So we declined. I am proud of myself for realizing my limits. I'm not normally able to do that when it comes to an animal in need. But sometimes you have to say "no" to keep your sanity.

Speaking of sanity, it's obviously getting to be that time to take my 2nd dose of Ritalin. I'm starting to run down again. I'm going to go take it and make Zach lunch and then start on my other chores.

I hope everybody's day is good. Hopefully mine will start looking up too.

1 Comment
  1. ancientgeekcrone 8 years ago

    Dear Keya,

    I know you are well versed in the limited income area. Even though this is true, concentrate on the upside if having a place of your own. Where for the large part, there won't be disapproving  words and expressions fom others, in your own little sanctuary.  Use the reality of being on your own to nourish you. Hugs Mary xx

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