I wrote an earlier blog about how I was overcoming anxiety and depression.  I haven't stayed at my boyfriends house for 6 months, I have finally been content with being at home when I sleep.

Last night, I had the courage to go to my boyfriends house to spend the night.  I managed to get some sleep, until I woke up at 3. I started having the racing obsessive thoughts.  I was worked up before at my house before going there because of my bills and such. I woke up my boyfriend and as I was trying to wake up him, my panic worsened. I looked all around the dark living room, and I was certain that I was going to die. I felt so out of reality, and it was horrible. I was dreading to come over to his house, but I was determined because I missed staying there and I wanted to stay the night with him so much. I spose the fearing of having a panic attack caused the attack, I hate that. Justin calmed me down and I took half a xanax and I was finally able to get some sleep.  I then went on with my day when I woke up, went to class at school, and when I came home, I was so exhausted from the night before since I didn't get much sleep and I used a lot of energy with getting over my attack, so I took a nap.  I normally don't take naps during the day bgecause sometimes when I wake up, I can sometimes develop an attack.

I am determined to overcome, although the fear sometimes sucks you in like a black hole. And I hate the feel of unreality. Justin was patting my back and rubbing it which really helped me feel back into myself sorta speak.  I don't know why we have panic attacks and they totally suck, I feel like I am in flight mode all the time.

If anyone knows what it feels like to go through those types of panics, it be great to give me some advice on what kind of things you do to calm down. I hate the fear of dying. I don't have that fear when I am calm but when the panic arises I get these uncontrollable thoughts that run vicious circles in my head over and over, " I am going to die, the last breath I breathe is going to be my last, I am not going to remember who I am, who am I, what am I doing here, oh my god, oh my god, and so forth"

Ugh… I am exhausted, I wanted to vent and get this out and hoping to seek some advice.