So when I was like 3 my dad Basically abused me he would strangle me threaten me with his pocket knife take duck tape put it over my mouth rip it off over and over again whenever I ate a crayon or somthing I wasn’t suppose to he would scream at me n lock me in the bathroom with the lights off I was a kid and there were bugs in the bathroom and I was really scared of them I couldn’t see them but I could feel them crawling on me we lived in the basement at the time he would lock me in for hours n hours and I would cry n scream to let me out he wouldn’t this happend almost everyday he abused my mum n he wouldn’t let her help me so yea now I have entomonophobia fear of all bugs even ant when they come to close or I see them I have a panic attack sometimes I can’t even run im just stuck there unable to do anything crying bc I cant get away n I can die from this surprised I haven’t and after my mum eventually divorced him I was like idk 5 point is he was away and my mum had a bf super nice better than my dad n whenever we went anywhere he told me recently when I was a kid like that age 5 that he would get a really dark vibe from me that he saw sometimes dark in my eyes I would go from complete happiness laughing a happy kid and in less than a second my face would change my eyes would look dark like pure anger sadness craziness in pain that how it was described to me I guess that’s bc of my dad he’s the source of everything that happend he made me how I am what I mean by ti git bullied a lot in school all the time bc I had acne and in 6th grade 2019 may 27th this 16yr old guy raped me he had a gun and I don’t wanna go into much detail ab that but before he raped me for around 4 months he forced me to suck his dick or he would kill me bc he knew where I lived so I had to but he only raped me once after he raped me I avoided him made excuses and stuff then I started to feel unwell in school I could barely walk I felt like throwing up all the time then I started throwing up things immediately after I ate them thankfully it was summer break when I started so it wasn’t in front of ppl but yea I drank water immediately threw it up I ate anything immediately threw it up n when I threw up it was worst than when I regularly threw up I felt like my organs were gunna come out each time we tried so many medicines nothing worked and my mum made it even worst she said its bc I ate to much junk food when I barely did she yelled at me everyday saying it’s my fault n I would cry n cry all the damn time then eventually we went to the doctor bc it has been 2 months n I didn’t feel better then I figured out I was pregnant the doctor yelled at me I told her what happend she still did my mum said she understood but she didn’t act like it she never said it was my fault but she implied it and she never gave me a say in what I did I didn’t wanna kill my baby sure it was from rape but the kid did nothing its just a damn baby it’s shouldn’t have to die bc I was stupid enough to not fight back but i went to another hospital for an abortion and one of the doctors there forced me to tell her what happend she yelled n she was really mean and she made me call the police I didn’t wanna bc he was in a gang which I didn’t know at first I found out later but yea I did he got arrested he cried and then he got released no punishment he stayed in jail for like a few hours bullshit btw and I got my abortion and went to summer school right after I told my closest friend ab it and she told my other friend my other friend told the entire summer school except she said I liked it when I didn’t it was fucking rape so now my entire area thinks I’m a whore the entire summer school crowed around me and had a girl beat the shit out of me I didnt do anything to her bc I thought I deserved it but for some reason her punches didn’t hurt at all like im not kidding no pain and she headbutt me and slammed me against the road and It didn’t hurt I got bruises on my forearms but im serous when I said it didn’t hurt I was genuinely surprised and there was no emotion on my face when she was hitting me I was just sad everyone hated me after that I started feeling this thing I guess it was always there I just ignored it but I started to go insane just a tiny but tho my anger issues increased and I had psychotic thoughts now im much more crazy tho but I can control it and I’ve learned to like it if someone says I’m gunna kill u u whore I have the best threats and I have a weird obsession with human hearts I love to look at them there really pretty and now when I fight I calculate every move and I end up laughing hysterically at the end when I win or if someone punches me bc it really doesn’t hurt if somthing does hurt in the slightest pain is just an illusion if u focus on somthing else ur pain will ease and sometimes completely go away anyway so my dad got new kids 2 new ones and he gave them everything n I was jelous bc he left us I would still see him n his other kids when I was 7 I would steal there things lol and my dad’s money cause I was angry I still steal his money cause he’s rich n doesn’t pay his child support I don’t live with him btw so I learned that it’s nit there fault then later on he divorced my old step mum and he didn’t the same thing he did to me he refused to see those kids n made them really sad which I feel bad there like 6 and 7 boy n girl n my half sister adores me so I feel really bad n he remarried to this stupid bitch with big ass yellow teeth and a fake ass but she’s rich that’s y n guess what she’s pregnant wowww surprise surprise not the kid hasn’t came yet tho we’ll idk my dad wasn’t talked to me in a month but anyways let’s talk ab my mum she’s a fucking bitch omg my hands hurt from tying but I never got along with my mum she takes everything from me my.opinon is invalid so is my perspective to her n her bf she had the same one as she did when I was a kid he’s chill sometimes but he always takes her side n when he does he acts just like her which makes me really angry and she yells at me for no reason all the damn time n treats my brother like a damn angel  and she turned my therapist against me to by saying sum bullshit but I made a deal with her last week if I did all my schoolwork and chores I can see my bf so I did everything I even stopped screaming at her and yesterday I went to see him which she said yes 2 and she got angry n said I cantbhave him anymore which is funny bc she thinks she can control me I’m fighting every fiber in my body to not throw somthimg at her she’s so damn annoying she takes everything that makes me happy and now she’s tryna take him from me I won’t leave him ofc he’s the only good thing in my life he’s perfect n he understands me and he’s been thru the same things I have not every single thing but his personality mirrors mine which is cool but yea im not letting her take him I already barely see him and this is completely off topic i think but whenever she yells at me she makes me feel like complete shit n I turn really empty n in need for thrill which I never get most of the times I try to escape the emptiness it’s like a giant void tryna swallow me but now I just let it n sit in the dark void feeling really empty with no cure sometimes when I cry im.in so.much pain I can’t take it I just wanna cease to exist right there or just go in a hole n cry til I’m dead I tried overdosing last month 3 pill bottles and im alive and I cut before I did it and im alive idk whether to be happy or sad ab that tbh but yea that my um story I guess lemme tell u how stupid I am to lighten to mood so one time I was sleeping I woke up my pillow fell on the ground bro I swear I put it on the damn bed my hand was even under it when I go to lay down I fell of my fucking bed bro😭 I don’t think anyone will read this far but if u do thanks if u wanna be friends I’m open to it