I’ve been so lost – so turned around. I am floundering like mad, right now, and I’m not at all sure why. I need to eat better. Not gaining weight, or anything, but my stomach is so messed up that it definitely requires a better diet.
I think I may have alienated someone I care about. Someone who means the world to me… I am always saying the wrong thing. So nuts…
Charlie is out late, tonight. Our situation is unchanged. We are close like a couple of close friends. Is this what he wants from me, indefinitely? I don’t know. I guess, we’re supposed to be getting to know each other, as we are now, and we’re supposed to decide what we want. We have been together a quarter of my life. There are pretty deep roots in that. I know I love him, but there’s been so much distance, for so long, I am not sure what is supposed to happen, anymore. We don’t really hold each other at night, anymore, and we don’t say, "I love you." The closest we come is, "I look forward to seeing you." It’s all so complicated. And, I have felt so nuts, lately. So paranoid, and afraid of everything. I don’t know what I am supposed to do with myself.
I feel so torn up inside – not about Charlie. Just, generally… I am oddly calm about that. We don’t kiss, and we’re not intimate. Sometimes, I think he’s sure he just wants to be free, and I’m just like his buddy/companion. It’s been this way for so long – I am pretty much used to it. When I found that phone, I tripped out so bad because I thought, "this is it . This is the part where it all goes away." And, if it had been, I would’ve gone through that grief, and tried to move on with shit. But, instead, I live in this continuous uncertainty. I know my instability created this situation, but Iv’e waited so long, at this point, for some sense of what’s happening, I guess, I don’t say anything about it, because I am in such psychological flux, right now. So uncertain… so confused… maybe, it’s the same for him. I don’t know what’s supposed to happen. So many conflicting ideas bounce around in my head.
I am supposed to go to Maggie’s, but I just feel so paralyzed, right now. I don’t know if I can. Maybe, I am just tired. Maybe, my body is just trying to lock up because I have been so sick, and need to rest.
Maria asked me recently, if things didn’t work out with Charlie, would I consider leaving the city. I said yes. She was shocked. I never wanted to leave Chicago, except perhaps to leave the country. Now, everything’s different. I think I would want to stay here, but… I could see myself going someplace else. She just wants me to be happy – but she definitely does not want me to move away. She wants me to live with her if Charlie and I crash and burn.
I need to call Mags and tell her whether or not I can make it, tonight. I need to decide if I can hack a social encounter. I need to mat those pix. God, I need to pull myself together. Just talked to Mags – told her I could not go out. She wants to come here. I don’t know if I can deal with that, but I said it was okay. She is supposed to call me soon, when she finishes what she’s doing.
God, I need to pull myself together. I am so freaked out. I don’t really want anyone near me, right now, but I also hate feeling alone. God, I hate every feeling, right now, and I want to shut it all off.