So I’m on a mission to get my husband to be able to stay home with me for good. I have applied for IHSS, and am in the process of applying for Medi-Cal so that I can qualify for IHSS. I’m concerned that we might make too much for Medi-Cal, but I’ll save that worry for another day. I called IHSS this morning to have them take my application over the phone, and was told that they have already received my paper application that I mailed. That made me feel a little more hopeful, because things have not been going my way lately. I was supposed to receive a mailing from my Medi-Cal worker over the weekend, and it has not come yet. Neither has the healthcare certification that was mailed from IHSS on Thursday. It should have reached me by now. I’m hopeful that it will be in today’s mail. I don’t like dealing with all this red tape, I just want to have it be set up already and have my husband paid to stay home with me. If only they didn’t require Medi-Cal for IHSS. Because I really need it, and can’t afford to pay someone to care for me at home. And I don’t want anyone but my husband anyway. I see in my Informed Delivery email that I have something coming from Alameda County. It’s either the mailing from my Medi-Cal worker or it’s the healthcare certification from IHSS. I’ll be happy with either one.

It’s 9:37. I usually have done the dishes by now, but I’m slow going this morning. I’m still waiting for my Ativan to kick in. It feels like it has, but I just want to be sure, it could take about ten more minutes or so. I lost track of what time I took it, but it feels like it’s been half an hour. I also have a load in the wash, my husband’s work clothes. I’m going to steep another sencha. I cast a Full Moon Wish Spell, as tonight is the night of the Full Moon. A spell is basically a prayer with props. I am using the earth’s natural energies to bring about my desire. Words and thoughts have powerful energy. I pray that my request was received by the Lord and Lady, and will come to fruition. I have wished for peace and rest, no more psychotic episodes, that I may live a peaceful and happy life with my husband. I’m feeling another episode coming on right now, unfortunately, and it’s only 10:00am. I only have one Ativan left, and I feel like I need to take it, even though I already took one this morning.

I don’t know what to do right now, everything feels like it’s falling apart! This shouldn’t be happening with the Ativan! The Ativan is supposed to keep these episodes at bay! Oh I need help! I’m sorry to be panicking in the middle of a blog post, but something is very wrong right now and I need help! I have to go back to the healing bed!

Wow. If you’re still reading this, thank you. I said wow because I wrote the above this morning, and I literally spent the whole day freaking the f— out in bed, having the worst panic attack of my life and hearing the bad voice scream at me all bloody day long. I am only functional when my husband is here. It’s now 6:18pm. My spell sure backfired on me. Maybe I shouldn’t be casting spells when I am under the influence of medication. I will do some research to try and figure out what I did wrong. Peace.

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