So.. the guy who assaulted me is no longer alive. But I feel like he has been on my mind lately. I’m not really sure why.. but I see his face sometimes. It seems almost random. I thought of him as a friend and sometimes my mind flashes back to memories of us spending time together (before he assaulted me). I’ll see myself on his couch, watching tv or playing chess in his house. It’s like.. a reminder that we were friends at some point. I’m not sure why I would need that reminder (or want it), but it seems hard to control these thoughts that come in.
Part of me thinks it is because he assaulted me in February and so the 11 year anniversary is coming up. I think it might be because there’s a lot of things that I never said to him, a lot of unspoken emotions, things I wish he knew. I wished I had confronted him, I wished I had reported it. But at the time, I was afraid. I would still have to see him on campus and I thought he might retaliate. Plus, I did not think that I would be able to retell the story in a courtroom full of people, or even to a police officer. I had a whole host of reasons for not reporting it. I know I shouldn’t blame myself and I shouldn’t be upset with myself for not reporting. But there’s a piece of me that wishes I had handled things differently. I would have went to the hospital directly afterwards.. it was close to the campus. I would have reported it.
I’m not that things would be different had I reported it. I mean, I feel that I would still have PTSD and anger towards him, and all of that. But.. I don’t know.. there’s a part of me that feels like reporting it would have helped me to (feel like) I had gained some power back. Sexual assault is such a vulnerable thing to experience and I felt like I lost a lot of power/control. I recognize the crime is not about sex, it’s about power.  And 11 years later, I still feel powerless.  I suppose I’m looking for ways to gain that power back… and I can’t seem to figure it out.

But I still see myself in his house… like hanging out and just having dinner, watching tv, talking. I still remember certain positive parts of the “friendship” that we had. And then of course, I remember that night. The part I remember most vividly as of lately is when I stopped crying and I suddenly remember feeling like I was watching the assault from the sky, like I was a ghost and I was not in my own body. But I was seeing everything and watching from somewhere high up, floating and watching myself get raped. I felt like my breathing slowed, to the point where I was no longer breathing. My whole body froze. I recognize this was a protective mechanism.

I guess I’m just confused.. I’m not really sure why I have these flashbacks of “happy” times.. before the incident. I don’t know.. I’m not sure if I need to know why I’m having these thoughts, I don’t know if that would help me to know the reason. I just wanted to write about this so maybe I could get it off my chest.