went to the VA yesterday for my weekly thrapy session, its tiring to say the least, Ive always been a quiet type yet somehow I came unglued when listening to the others in the group.  I got a sense that we had all settled for out misfortune and hearing little things like well it could be worse I could be dead made me think.  What the hell here we are sitting here talking toa shrink whos laughing and carrying on with his nice suit and badge from the VA and we are all deshevelled looking medded out people looking for answers….There are non is what Ive realized…you end up in the VA sytem ur sol, especially as a patient……Ive maintained my cool for a long time but Imm thinking I came here for a better life for my family and we are living in a desperate situation,,,,Ive lost my house but at least we are in an apartment./..this town is all about who u know not what u know, if u have HIV its supposed to be great cause there is a doctor on every corner but Ive also noticed you get labled and have to live in quiet desperation while they go about their lives making great money driving fancy cars and I strugglwe to even make a care payment on a disability check.  10 years ago I was living great nice house, nice job and in a matter of 5 years since my aids diagnosis Ive become rundown…un alert, dishevelled and beat down..  I dont understand this disease and why it has to cause so much damage and make people feel like shit.  Im sorry Im just ranting but I know I worked while having HIV but the menegitis is what did me in……I feel sad that my life has changed so much, that  I have an 8 year old son who thinks his dad may die from AIDS and all he wants is me to play WII with him.  I sleep during the day because there is no point in going out because Im on disability…..meyes burn from the light now, an after effect from the menegitis and the frontal lobe damage, my mind feels like mush and my passiveness and acceptance has turned to anger.  this anger cause d me to slit my wrist 4 years ago in a fit of rage, I would of never thought of doing that in a normal state of mind…I always had high self esteem and carried myself with pride.  How does someone move forwward with a horrible disease which turns your life into a living hell…..I know some are different and some handle HIV better thhan others but it has really beaten this guy down….I hate to admit it but it has  it has made my will to live almost nonexistent, my ind says yes but my boody is saying no just lie down…..why and how can this be>

1 Comment
  1. j_powell01 12 years ago

     My Dear friend…..I had no idea when we spoke last you were struggling so badly. No frills no fluff, just one opinion. I know of others, in addition to myself who struggle as you do. I am currently having what I know call a "bout of acute awareness". 

    M y person perspective on this, though slanted due to my own inability to cope at times is this….

    These things happen( loss of income, quality of life, loss of personal fulfillment), because we are no longer able to preform at the capacity we were accustomed. You, like myself and several others, were highly energetic, motivated, confident to the point of arrogance, and felt we could have and do it all!!! Well, at least I did. 

    First there is an overwhelming sence of loss, and as we start to lose the financial, emotional, and logical reasoning and means we once had, it only compounds the loss.

    What is left then but anger? Anger and loss. We can always rebuild a portion of stability and a somewhat consistant norm. I believe however, even with the best attempts to control and head off these bouts of depression, lonlieness, isolation and feelings of inadequate sence of self, we all get knocked on our ass. I think this is especially true for those like you and I. There are more than you think my friend.

    I believe thats when we need each other most, but in our pride and fear of being hurt or judged or even pushed away, we say nothing. We attempt to deal with it on our own. 

    I don't have the answer, I just wanted you to know my dear friend, there are those who know EXACTLY what you are saying and feeling.  J

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