a page out of my letter/diary for my wife

So, what are the facts?  I tried to be a good husband, a father and a person.  Pretty much everything that I did wasn’t good enough for you.  Even if I did very few things well, I never heard you say with sincerity “great job” or “thank you”  As a matter of fact, I never heard you say the most basic words of gesture; THANK YOU.

I married you because of who you were.  You were loving and had a zest for life.  You took risks and you worked very hard to achieve your goals. You inspired and encouraged me.  Because of your inspiration I went back to school and did what I had to do to meet the admission requirement for med school.  Do you remember when you used to come over and gave me a hug while I was doing all-nighters on paper and exams?  I felt so loved.

After ous son was born, life happened.  We were thrown into a chaos but absolutely thrilled with our Son.  I still managed to be who I am.  The intimacy never left me but it obviously left you.  I realized being a mother was the cause and I justified it as the reason why you were distancing yourself from me.  For the last 4 years our level of intimacy dwindled and died gradually.  I fought and fought to revive it but you didn’t bother.  You are not the same woman you said.  I was naïve to think that we could continue the romance streak you said.  The list of excuse goes on and on.  I was trying because I was still in very much in love with you.  You, on the other hand said you were as well but What about all those time when you cringed when I came too close to you.  When was the last time we kissed like we were in love?  How many times have we fought over you neglecting me?   How many times did you push me away?  I kept holding and believing that you will eventually come around and provide me with love and emotional support.  But you never did.  You never bothered to show me with the littlest gestures.  I recommended for us to go through marriage counselings but you thought it was a dumb idea.  You said it was me refusing to accept the reality and not embracing the change that comes with being married with kid.  You said you love me but where was it?  I wanted to believe in your words but your actions and body languages often betrayed your word.  And I felt betrayed by you.  I felt abandoned.

You are about 18 weeks pregnant with our second son and that was the last time when we got naked. I am thrilled that Son will have a baby brother.  But I am still feeling left out because only time you wanted to have sex with me was when that little test strip told you that you were ovulating.  We never had sex as a normal loving couple would.  You planned on the dates and there were times when I couldn’t ejaculate.  Because how could I?  You were making me feel like a sperm bank and not as your man.  I felt rushed to finish the job and never felt like I was making love to you.  I wanted to make love to you like we did in the past.  Where is that woman who gave me that certain look and sweet talked me?  Remember our code word?  It was a P*****e.  I am absolutely frightful that I may not have the same emotional connection with our second son.  Yes. I am the father but knowing he wasn’t conceived out of love will haunt me?  I have no idea.

I have said I am sorry way too many times.  In certain situations, I meant it while in most cases I said to appease you and never meant it.  On March 17^th when you flipped out like a crazy deranged woman all because I said “Use some common sense”in a stern voice, I wasn’t going to apologize.  But when your actions continued to escalate into an uncontrollable and unacceptable behavior, I had the urge to shut you up.  Let’s not forget the part where I raised my hands.  I sure did.  I really wanted to feel the satisfying need to hit you.  The two seconds in my head imagined you getting slapped silly by me but I quickly realized that was going to be a very wrong move and very immoral.  I put my hand down and took a step back from you.  I am sincerely sorry that you had to see that.  I meant 100% and mean 100% going forward that you will never see me do that again.

Yes.  I had the thought of slapping you and given the circumstances how many guys would have?  Let’s revisit. You cursed me out in a hundred different ways while I was holding our Son to calm him down.   I never realized you knew so many cuss words.  But what I can’t never forget and forgive is when you said  those words and I have warned you about them the last time when we argued; You called me a mental patient.   You know my father lost his mind and is permanently in a nursing home because of the terrible mental disease and you accused me of being one and comparing me to my father during last argument.   You know and have seen the pain that I had to go through to put him up in a nursing home.  You KNOW you have seen tears coming out of my own damn eyes when I got emotional thinking about my father.  Your father-in-law that you never cared to visit or wondered about his well being.  I warned you not use those words around me ever again but if I remember correctly, you shook it off as if they were nothing.  You obviously didn’t take my words seriously because you said it again on the night of March 17th.   You even said that I belong in the same hospital with my dad.  How could you…..????  You knew those words meant deep pain for me but you said it with such ease.  All the rage inside of me was going to come out in a physical form but you know what stopped me?  It certainly wasn’t about me spending a night in jail or having my life ruined.  It was an image of my father crying and begging me not to do it.  The same man that you know as crazy showed up and prevented his son from going down the hell hole.   My father saved me….  He showed up when I needed him the most and saved his worthless son.  You called me a mental patient and shouted cuss words at me, while at the presences of our son who was sobbing.  Who is the crazy one?  You or me?  You killed me.  You hit me in a place that’s not going to heal.  I may have acted like a bastard and raised my hand but you figuratively hit and wiped away last strings of love that I was holding on dearly.  I so wish you would have literally punched and kicked me instead.

You never got to know my father because you didn’t want to but my father was a good, decent man who gave his all and fought against all odds to raise his family.  All the lives battle worn him down and brought to his knees and in the end robbed his mind.  Even if you realized you went way too far, you don’t have a decency to say I am sorry.  And as a matter of fact (another fact check) You never apologized to me for anything.  Not once because in your eyes, you were never the reason or the source of argument.  You can do no wrong as you have said.