It's just amazing what's happening in this life…..I can't believe that I'm deep in the same sh.t I was 4 years ago. It's insane! The same thing over again, the same pain…I',m thankful to …myself??? that I didn't have a major meltdown  and faced this with some sort of grace and dignity. Some sort of…Who I am kidding? I was destroyed inside, my heart was in such pain, I was thowing up….All the bad things were happening at once, and I couldn't just handle them.  I don't know what to do now…I don't want to be in this kind of relationship, I don't want to be treated this way, I want so much more, and I am sure that there is somebody, who can give me what I want….But it became some sort of addiction I would say. I can't leave him, I feel alone, I feel that if I leave him now I'll go so ddep into my depression that I will not be able to get out.

You knw what he said today? I'm observing…After 1,5 years he is observing. He should burn in hell for that. All this time I've been wainting for him, supporting him, believed that he truly cares about me, that we have smth special….And now he tells me that we have to get to know each other and then see what will happen. Isn';t it a lil bit too late?

I don't get what I want from him. Nothing. No money, no love, nothing. And after that he is thinking somewhere deep in his mind that I'm using him. SCREW YOU!!!!!! IDIOT!!!!!!! I HATE YOU!!!!! YOU"RE MESSING UP MY LIFE!!!!!!!!! F…CK YOU FOR MY BD!!!!!!! BURN IN HELL, YOU JERK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You don't have brains to think, and you're taking things for granted. So here's the deal – it'll all change very soon. And then I'll make you to pay for all that you've done to me. Good luck with your e-mailing and thinking. I'm so mad at you!