one of my best friends of over 8 years shot himself in the head yesterday morning. i found this out while i was at work early this afternoon and nearly collapsed on the floor crying. i spent the last few hours over at his mom's house with a bunch of good, old friends. i started to have a panic attack, the chest pains got so severe, but i refused to let that get in the way of why i was there. the sorrow and pain i'm feeling right now surpasses all other feelings. the sorrow and pain on the face of my deceased friends mother tore through my heart. the sorrow and pain on the faces of my friends made me want to sink into a hole and fall away. she kept saying, "you are all my children now, you can't ever forget about me, please don't forget about me, this is only the beginning of the hell i'll have to go through."

a couple nights ago i watched the movie "the virgin suicides" for the first time. i want to vomit.

i've torn my room apart searching for an old memory card i have from an old digital camera that i know has some good pictures of us on it. i can't find it. i found a letter he wrote to me on my 21st birthday and at the end it says, "and remember the sun is always shining when you're around. love you. – tommy."

i hope the sun is shining where he is. i hope he knew and still knows how much i love him.

"when winter falls next year, 

i’ll be holding on to anything nailed down. 

as for being patient, 

with fate and all it's getting old. 

and my mind is slowly changing. 

i’m calling all my oldest friends, 

saying sorry for this mess we’re in. 

and i’m waiting, waiting, 

for the sun to come and melt this snow, 

wash away the pain and give me back control, control. 

an angel got his wings and we'll hold our heads up, 

knowing that he’s fine. 

we’d all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime. 

should we still set his plate? 

should we still save his chair? 

should we still buy him gifts? 

and if we don’t did we not care? 

it makes you think about the life you've led, 

the shit you’ve done, the things you've said, 

and its grounding, grounding. 

i’ve been feeling 3 feet tall this month, hardly indestructible, 

but the snow melts and the rhythm still goes on. 

an angel got his wings and we'll hold our heads up, 

knowing that he’s fine. 

we’d all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime. 

friends stay side by side. 

in life and death you’ve always stole my heart. 

you’ll always mean so much to me it’s hard to believe this. 

these nights in vans, 

these nights in bars, 

don’t mean a thing with empty hearts. 

with empty hearts. 

an angel got his wings and we'll hold our heads up, 

knowing that he’s fine. 

we'd all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime. 

friends stay side by side. 

in life and death you always stole my heart. 

you’ve always meant so much to me it’s hard to believe. 

so much to me it’s hard to believe. 

so much to me it’s hard to believe this."