lately ive been thinking alot…which is a constant…but LATELY ive been thinking about myself a bit more…and who i am. i can't figure it out. i am so many things that contradict each other, it doesnt make sense. i was watching an episode of law and order SVU a few weeks ago…and there were two abused children that the detectives were working with..(trying to find their abuser). the shrink..dr.wong…lol…well he talked to them and one child was violent and cold-hearted and defiant…and the other was…extremely loving, overly affectionate and clingy…wanting the detectives to take her home with them. after the sessions with the kids…the detectives were puzzled why the two children were so different…and then dr.wong explained it. when an infant is neglected, abused, ignored, not given any love or affection…two things can happen as it grows…it will either give up on love and caring and lash-out, not trusting anyone at all….or it will over-compensate for what it lacks…and search for love everywhere…becoming extremely affectionate and searching for praise, or positive attention. after watching this my mind started racing…and i wondered if maybe that is why i am who i am. i am not the first example…but the second. i think that is how all my social anxiety started. searching for love and being overly sweet, wanting to always please and change myself to suit who i am with…never getting angry with anyone for hurting me…just wanting them to like me…not causing any problems. after many years of this i got hurt so often, was rejected so often, that i retreated. i became scared that people wouldnt like me, so i decided to never make myself available to these "people". needless to say…i was abused/neglected in this manner and it has affected me. and i dont like it. i dont want to be this way. i never ever EVER feel happy unless people like me. and by people, i mean anyone. maybe thats why in the past ive had very low standards about who my friends are, or my lovers. i didnt care who they were, just as long as they liked me. crazy stuff. well, i guess thats all.just thought i'd share that interesting theory…in case anyone else has been abused at a very early age and is now wondering what it might have done to them, or how it affected them…
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