last week i thought i could see the light at the end of the tunnel!

but after a weird dream i had last night -"i kept walking through the tunnel towards the light at the end, but couldn't get there and then the light was only half there and than it was gone"

i got to thinking, i haven't really got anywhere with my depression, all i've done is tackle the anxiety –

so i've been fooling myself for the last week! or have i? 

i know i can't just pushed the deep dark depression off a cliff and walk away, i can't pretend its not there and there is no way i can convince myself its gone! 

so i got to thinking what am i going to do now? i'm back to square 1, i have been concertrating so much on getting out of the house and doing things alone, i forgot to keep fighting the depression! 

Well i dropped, i hit the floor with a huge bang, the depression reared its ugly head and came back with a vengance, so not wanting to let it send me back in the dark place where i hide, i got thinking about why it was getting hard again and the only thing i could think of was mothers day – yep the day we celebrate our mums and say thank you for everything they have done for us – but i don't have a reason to celebrate my mum! yes she gave birth to me, yes she worked hard to support me in the finacial sense – but it was my dad who was there for me, who showed me life, took me places, fed and clothed me – my mum still lived with us but there was always a wall between us – after all i'm the child she didn't want – i'm the child who doesn't falling in line with her siblings and only listen to mums advice – i'm the child that hasn't followed family tradition and got that education and that good job and doesn't own that nice home or drive that nice car or runs when mum calls and drops everything because she demands it!  

so sunday when my children are running round making feel like the luckest mum in the world as they do every year, i wont have the same feelings for my mum as my children have for me, every year i make this huge effort to show i care for her only to have to sit and listen to her saying how much my siblings have spent on her, where they took her for dinner and how many times they have visited in the past week, only to go home and cry myself to sleep thinking i'm the failure she reminds me of every time i see her,  

well no more i am not going to make an effort for someone who doesn't care for me, she has no idea of my depression and i would never tell her as she would only go on at me how its just a phaze, its all in my head, depression isn't real its an excuse for people to be lazy!  

so this weekend i'm going to go and watch my son play his football match, i'm going to bug hunt in the garden with my youngest 3 children, i'm getting the craft box out and i'm going to help the children make easter cards and gifts and i'm having sunday just for me.  well  i have brought mum-in-law some small gifts as she really is a mum.  then when monday comes i'm going to confront my doctor about the help she has been promising me and i'm not moving from her office until i get this help – i've tackled the anxiety on my own so i now need the help with the depression – no more hiding the problem, no more saying i'm fine and putting on that face – i'm going all out to get it undercontrol – i'm going to stop thinking about it so much as it just makes me worse!

and after getting it all out of my system i'm feeling more possitive, ready to face the world and ready to shout like all the other football mums stood at the side of a freezing football pitch watching our sons and daughters play the game they love so much!