So I know I've already wrote a blog today but I don't know… I feel like writing another one…People keep telling me that I'm strong and that I can beat anything and everything that is thrown my way but I just… I don't know. I really don't believe so. I can be so easily broken now in days. I cry all the time. I can't help it. I know people have worst lives than I but I feel like my is just so bad. Nothing ever goes right. Everyting bad always comes my way. The days that nothing really goes wrong, I'm still depressed. For no reason. People tell me that my life is going to get better. But I've been wwaiting for that 'better' for 5 years now. Maybe I don't have a 'better'. Maybe this is how my life is going to be for the rest of my life. I don't even know if I okay with that. i feel numb… all the time. The world just passes me by everyday. I pretend to be happy in front of peopl for the sake of them. No one really knows how bad I just want to scream. How bad I just want to cry. How bad I just want crawl in a hole and dissapear. But I don't. People would be worried. I don't want to cause them worry. I don't want to cause them anything. Just happiness. I'm not going to cause other people pain and unhappiness just because I'm not happy. I tried that once. I didn't feel any happier. So I just fake a smile everyday like everything is going right. I stay up all night thinking about a 'better' life. One were I don't need to fake smile. One where I can laugh and just be… happy.
Despite my fake smiling my boyfriend always knows something is up. Sometimes I can fake a good enough smile where he doesn't but there's always that one second…. that one frown…. where everything becomes clear to him. Then he worries. I don't want him to worry though. He's got a lot on his plate just by himself. I don't want to add to that. I couldn't handle myself if I added to that. So I smile. Despite everything that I am feeling inside… I smile. And it works….