I'm not a stranger

No I am yours

Crippled anger

Tears that still drip sore

Fragile frame edged with misery

When our eyes meet

I know you see.

I do not want to be afraid

I do not want to die inside

just to breathe in.

I'm tired of feeling so numb.

Relief exists ~

I find it when

I am cut.

I may seem crazy

or painfully shy

But these scars wouldn't be so hidden

if you would just look me in the eye

I feel alone here and cold here

Oh I don't want to die

But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything

kills inside.

I do not want to be afraid

I do not want to die inside

just to breathe in

I'm tired of feeling so numb.

Relief exists ~ I find it when

I am cut.

I am not alone

I am not alone.

Not a stranger

No I am yours

Crippled anger

Tears that still drip sore

and I do not want to be afraid

I do not want to die inside

just to breathe in

I'm tired of feeling so numb

Relief exist, I found it when

I was cut.

Plumb ~ "Cut"

Still feeling pretty bad today. I had a quiet day yesterday with Zach, ran to Wal-Mart to pick up some necessary items and got birdseed from the feed store, but other than that didn't really do anything. Mike and Michelle took Zach for a couple hours for us so Aaron could take me to my therapy appointment.

Therapy was both rough and pointless at the same time. I did talk to her about how in the evenings when the Ritalin has worn off that I'm very unstable emotionally and tend to get upset easily. I told her that I've been having meltdowns in the evenings and have been wanting to carve on myself or hurt myself somehow during those times. She wanted to know what I did to keep myself from giving in to the urges. I explained to her that my defense was to find a bed, curl up into a ball around a pillow, stare at a wall, and lock myself in another part of my mind while all this was going through my head. Ilet the thoughts pass me by while I watch through a window in my private room. I may not move for hours, sometimes just seemingly staring at the same spot on the wall. But nobody really knows what's going on in my head or what I'm fighting with.That's why I posted this song today.

Last night was another bad one for me. As we laiddown to go to sleep Aaronand Italked quietly, and I found myself sobbing suddenly and unable tostop. I cried so hard and so long that I ended up in the bathroom so Iwouldn't wake my son. After about an hour of it and hoarsely telling Aaron "I just want it to be over" and "I don't want to do this anymore" he led me to bed like a child and had me layon my stomach as the sobs continued. He rubbed my back like I was a little girl having a tantrum because she wasovertired, and somehow it did calm me. It took awhile,but I finally stopped crying and rolled over.He held me and told me how much I meant to him, illness or not, and that Zach and I were his whole world, that he couldn'tdo it without us. I just held onto him and buried my face in his neck, grateful for his words, for his actions, for his love. And maybe that's my greatestproblem, is that despite it all, I don't feel like I deserve love. Because when I fall apart, that's what it comesdown to. I feel like life would be better for everyoneelse if I fell off the face of the planet and people could get on with living their livesand not deal with my shit.

I didn't get to talk about my self-esteem with Darcy last night like I'd hoped, but I did voice myfears about having to find a new job and admitting to myself that my current job is a crutch and an excuse to not try harder because I'mafraid. That took up most of the session.

I'm so tired of crying. I've been crying for days now, and I just wantit to stop. I don't normally cry, usually it's buried too deep within me to let it out. But right nowit's just belowthe rippled surface, and everything disturbs it; a light touch, ancareless word, a sadthought. Everything is atrigger.

Today I had to take our cat Peggy (actually my Mom's cat) tothe vet because she is doing very poorly. She's 19and we're afraid we're going to have to put her down. Let's just say it didn't help my peace of mindany. But I felt better whenhe checked her out and decided to take blood samples for analysis and would call my Mom to talk to her about what he found out and what he can do for her. MyMom is a wreck ~ this was her and my step-dad's cat, and she's the last living thing that my Mom has that's directly tied toJohn. My heart's breaking forher because Peggy is failing. She's old and feebleand I don't think she'slong for this world.

That being said, I'm going to try really hard today to do some positive things to help me through the day. Zach and I are going to make suncatchers and then this evening we're going to resume our normal workout scheduleif weather permits. I'm not going to push myself very hard ~ I'm still trying to get over this bug.So if I only do a mile or a mile and a 1/2 that's fine with me. I know Ineed to listen tomy body and not force it.

Hopefully the day will bring some smiles while making art with Zachary. His enthusiasm makes me happy and can be quite infectious. I just have to let myself take it in.

Why am I so damn tired today?


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