i'm just sitting here in my bed, alone, and thinking about a girl i work with and her boyfriend who i met today whom she ALWAYS talks about. it drives me crazy that she has a boyfriend and i don't. she isn't that pretty and is a selfish little brat. why does she get a boyfriend and i don't?
i am 24 and have never had a real boyfriend. the closest i have come was with a guy who told me he "needed to be alone" and "wasn't sure he wanted a girlfriend at all" … and then met the love of his life a month later; they've been together for almost 3 years now.
people tell me i'm pretty and that it will happen and that i just have to not want it or look for it and it will come. how can i NOT want a boyfriend when i'm so lonely and LONG for one. i don't know how to turn that off. if i could, i would.
what is so wrong with me? am i going to forever be that third wheel? the sad alone woman with the cats b/c no human would love her? my list of true friends is small, but solid. i have my families support and i know they love me. but all that does nothing to make me feel like there is something wrong and unlovable about me. i am stuck in a downward spiral of catch 22. to get a guy i need confidence and i have none b/c i can't get a guy. therefore i just spiral down and down into the self-hatered i have become so accustomed to.
what is wrong with me? why me? why does my stomach turn every time a see a couple? why do i stare longinly without the ability to look away when i see 2 people simply holding hands?
i don't understand. i feel like i am the only person who feels this way and for so long. there must be something wrong with me and i don't know what. what makes me so unlovable? … i just want someone. i want a companion and someone who will be there for me. why is that so hard to find? … what is wrong with me?