Last night I felt safe. I lay in your arms, feeling your heartbeat and your sleepy sighs. In the background I hear the sounds of the city. The noise of car horns, a screaming siren interrupting the owl flying through the night. A couple passes by my window arguing passionately about something that by the mornings light they will soon forget. Darkness cloaks the ugly humanity of life. The homeless sleep on park benches undisturbed by the gently falling rain. I hear the rain on my window and wish that it would wash away the ugly remains of my life.
As the night wears on I think about the coming morning. Light will soon peek from the curtains. I must try to sleep tonight. The new day comes fast but, I lie awake. There is no use in tossing or turning. Sleep will not become me. I think of many things in these hours. I think of failures, regrets and all things I can not change. I think of you and your blue eyes looking down on me with disdain. I do not want to fall out of your favor. I don’t want to compromise love. Would you love me? Can I feel and appreciate love? If you reject me could I walk through life alone?
There is no use in sleeping now. I blow you a kiss and climb out of bed. I look at you over my shoulder. You are sleeping serenely. I wonder what your dreams are like. I am tired. In the bathroom the cold tile floors shocks me. I brush my teeth. Looking out of the window I feel the first rays of sunshine kiss my face. The city is clean again. Soon the streets will be alive with people starting their work day. Will they notice me, the walking dead, as I pretend to live in their world? I can not live like this.
You will wake soon, an hour or so. I draw a hot bath. The warmth of the bath engulfs my body. Through the small cracked bathroom window I see birds singing. I imagine their song is composed for me. The melody is faint and sadly sweet. Time passes slowly as I sink further into my last breath. My last thoughts are of you. I hope you don’t hate me. If you could only understand that this pain doesn’t heal.
The day has begun. The sky is a cloudless canvas. Life has begun renewed. In the chilly spring morning the trees begin to blossom and the sparrow sings her lullaby to me.
Sometimes it is very hard to get down to the heart of things. What really matters today will have little importance tomorrow.
Do you really want to know about me? Chances are after you read this you won’t. I try very hard to keep up appearances. Growing up I learned to master it. I’m not feeling so great these last days, months, or years. I don’t believe in love any more, among other things. Prince Charming is not riding across a continent on his white horse to save me from the gallows of depression. Love is a horrible lie and yes I am bitter to find it so. You see couples walking arm in arm down the avenues and streets looking as if they had just hit the jackpot. Unfortunately these people are only momentarily safe because as they turn the corner this road will bring more pain than they will imagine when love loses its effectiveness. As love always will.
Last night we made small talk as we downed our beer. Many drinks passed and our conversation lands in a dangerous place. We talk about love. What it means to us and others. I tell you that I don’t believe in love. Love is a misrepresentation of our intellect. You look at me in disbelief and, of course that causes me to continue…Would I love you given the chance? Hold you in high regard? Think of you throughout my day? What does it take to love someone? How can I feel love for someone else? Love is what you make of it. I guess. You could make it a wonderful joyous thing but, really why make the effort to commit yourself? Only 5% of mammals think it is worth it. The other 95% decide that it is easier and far more exciting to fuck around. How do I show you the idea of love is not worth it? I find it easier to be alone. With this conversation I assume you have decided that at least you won’t have to tell me you love to get me to climb in your bed. As the conversation turns you buy us another round of drinks.
And so it happens, I go back with you to your empty apartment. Watching a movie is the goal. Of course I should have known it was a ploy since I was too drunk to comprehend my surroundings. You are inside me. I feel disconnected. I hold my breath. I can’t understand the word but I concentrate on the voice. I close my eyes. Looking through the mirror I see the sadness dancing around us. I try to look away from the ugly circumstances that cloud this intimacy. I realized in this moment that I have never felt more internalized since our first kiss. Am I ashamed, guilty, or indifferent? It is hard to say some days. I love and hate you in the same breath. Or maybe I just hate myself. I have never misunderstood how I feel about love and, loving someone else. Now I can’t help trying to want love, yet it fails me. Maybe I have had too much tequila.
This moment in time begins and ends me. I can’t explain why this happens. I guess I am just another sullen, fucked up girl. I am ashamed of myself for sleeping with you. Now I think that I am in love with you. Through the next week all I can think about is how to make you mine. I don’t understand the power I feel in your eyes. I want to hold onto you. I call you. After work we meet for drinks.
There is a connection in our touch. This scares me a little. I feel strange around you. I have nothing to lose but the happiness I feel in your touch. Throughout the night your smile is contagious. I feel close to you but I ma not engulfed in desire. I simply want your touch. I want to kiss your mouth. I want to feel entangled in embrace. (Full of light and warmth). Love carries complications. I think about why I feel this way. Am I holding you arm for a feeling of safety? Did I hold your hand in the street to counter my internal pull towards oncoming traffic? Can I feel love for you because I hope you won’t reciprocate? Strange electricity surrounds us. I can’t work through it. This love will become a burden to my heart, as it does not come easily.
Sweetheart, I hear your heartbeat matched with mine. Our breath is in sync. When I think of you in the darkest hour before sunrise I see your smile, warmth, I can feel you. The sky is turning a lighter brighter blue and is reflected off the window. The stars are fading fast into the light. What will become of our passions? How can we show our eyes the pain this love will bring? Will I ever understand how we have come together? Will God smile on our faces or cast a look of disdain? We may never know sweetheart but, if you will love me….I will love you until the sun comes from behind the moon to blind my heart and eyes. I am losing my mind again….
It is days like this when I know and understand where my depression lies. I know I am the one who has coaxed it out of hiding. I feed it delicious miseries until it grows so large it overwhelms me. The darkness devours every step I take. As I fall further and further down this rabbit’s hole it pulls at my hair, rips at my skin leaving me bleeding and bruised. I sit at the bottom looking up at the world that dreamily passes by on a cloud. The laughter and joy is nothing less that exuberant. I observe my friends and family as they are smiling. I only wonder how they can find peace in this life that is more like a war everyday. Don’t they see how absurd it really is? How can we find the strength to wake day after day only to seek the horrors of everyday humanity? I sit alone perplexed by the weight crushing down on me. I can barely move now. I watch a homeless man, who stinks of shit and trash, watch me. I wonder ‘Am I that close to the world that binds me in suffering?’ Will I end up like this man wandering the streets searching for something that he has lost? Or am I already searching for my sanity?
Maybe all my dramatics can be traced back to the one true love we all have. To have love and lose again and again can destroy anyone’s sanity. Mine was incredible. So many days have passed since I have looked into your eyes, felt your breath on my skin, and your tears on my face. I can not let you go. Your bright eyes look into mine. I want you when you were mine. Our love tumbling through your sheets, walking through the stars or sitting in summer evenings watching the day fade before us. Beaches, sand dollars, love burning like a jelly fish sting. Some days I wake up and think of you in my life wishing I were with you in the grass, quiet for a moment looking to the sky, trees above leaning into the canopy of your love. The happiest times in my life are exclusively yours. My heart will always be content with your love. If I would have it my heart would be reserved for no one else.
I fucked up. I see that know. I had choices. I could have been loved many times. I turned my back on love and she won’t shine her light on me. I walk alone. Wasting time in waking up. So many scenarios play through my head. Then the dreams come rehashing all of our memories… Lighting bugs, jelly fish, snakes in the grass, your parents, that Dodge pickup truck…all these things bring me to the only man I have truly loved. The one who haunts my dreams? Will my love for you last until my dying breath?
I don’t know what to do now. I am in love with you. Maybe I just love you. I can not tell for sure yet. I can see that I am becoming more dejected every moment thinking about you. I am starting to feel worthless. What would someone love about me? What is wrong with me? I am a pretty girl of course, most of the time that is not enough. I do not feel myself. I am not sure what I will do. I broke down in front of you yesterday. I can’t shake the feeling of humiliation. I am helpless to do anything. I hate myself. I am once again at the bottom. I did not think it would be so soon. I am an idiot and I will never do anything to change that. I want to be hit by a bus! I want you to love me. Of course that is too much to ask of you now.
I had a conversation with myself not too long ago. I talked about how much longer my life would last. I wrote a list of pros and cons. Do you ever do this? I looked over the list when I was done. I wondered why I have made my life so completely tragic..and yet it is not so.