Walking into the house covered in mud, or finding sticks in my hair because I was climbing in the neighbors tree, or simply sitting in the driveway and laughing for hours with you about who knows what. These are things I miss about our childhood, before we grew up and exchanged our teddy bears for sex and our lollipops for cigarettes. Why? I don’t know but I know it was always going to happen, doesn’t mean I miss it any less.

The world has already taken the breath we needed to laugh uncontrollably and has exhausted us to much for us to find the strength to smile. Where are the two little girls that tried to stay up all night but always fell asleep by 9? We used to run away from Mr.Morgan’s house screaming as he chased us with a water gun, now we run away from our responsibilities and they always catch up.

We didn’t listen when they told us not to grow up too fast and now all we want is to go back to those day where we’d just sit and eat raw cookie dough by the pound in our tent. Now the only thing we have too much of is stress, I’d give anything to go back, go back to those girls with the muddy skin, wet hair, stomachs full, and smiles plastered on our faces.

We’d spend every day together now we’re lucky to see each other once a month, over the years we’ve been through a lot, deaths, break ups, shitty jobs, medical crisis, huge fights, lies, secrets, betrayal, and everything else. We’ve been fearless and scared shitless, we’ve had high highs and low lows and we’ve done it all together and now we can’t seem to admit the truth, we know how we feel about each other why can’t we just admit it to each other.

We shared a kiss and the whole world made sense and I know you felt the same because I grew up with you and I know all your faces. I try to bring it up to you and you pretend it never happened I wish we could just cut the bullshit and tell each other we love each other because I’m so done with these pointless women and I’m so done watching you date these useless sacks of men that you’re not even attracted to. But I cast aside how I feel because you need some stability. Little did I know much stability you needed.

It’s been 3 months since you left this world, since you left me and still it doesn’t feel real, I go to our spot and wait for you to show up but you never come. The world feels empty without you. I wish you would’ve just talked to me, I wish you could’ve just accepted that you were gay,I wish your parents weren’t christian, but all of this wishing doesn’t bring you back, still I sit in the silence waiting for you to show up and fill it. The silence is so loud and I just want someone to come and save me from it but there’s no one left to care for me. So I sit and I wait for no one just wishing to go back to the little muddy, happy girls we used to be before the world crushed us.

This is dedicated to Samantha King, my best friend, and the love of my life that I never got to love.

Samantha King 2004-20019