So after 20 years of living I have come to a realisation that I might have mild ocd (I say mild because it doesn’t affect me as badly as I’ve seen in severe cases of ocd)
My whole life I’ve been doing weird, irrational things that I couldn’t ever explain, but just sort of accepted it as part of me. For example, as a toddler I was obsessed with symmetry, (eg if I touched my left knee I HAD to touch my right knee). As a teen I had a harm obsession and cut myself to control my emotions. Some symptoms have come and gone and some have been with me my whole life, like biting my nails. My family dismissed this as anxiety and figured I would grow out of it.

The scariest symptom I have are my morbid and violent obsessions, these awful images I can’t control that show something horrible I don’t want to see. Such as while riding a bike, I’ll get an image of me swerving into traffic, and see all the gruesome details of it. I often shake the thought and get on with my day.

However discovering that all of those things may be caused by ocd actually helps me a lot. It makes me feel less like a weirdo and more like someone who just struggles but with determination, it can be overcome. I no longer think my violent thoughts are because I’m a messed up individual but instead because of a disorder that is treatable. In addition, I’m not alone in my suffering, which I why I am here!!

The only person I’ve spoken about this to is my partner, and he says he believes me but I feel like he thinks I’m exaggerating or making it up. I’ll tell him about one of my symptoms and he’ll be like “I do that too sometimes though” or “lots of people do that”. He doesn’t understand that it’s not something I can control or ignore easily, and that just because I can hide my symptoms from most people doesn’t mean they aren’t there. I wish I had someone more understanding and less dismissive of it to talk to.

What’s more is I’m pretty sure my mother has ocd too, upon researching ocd and connecting the dots (she unplugs alliances, bites her nails, often repeats herself and other things). I’m not sure if she knows, or how I’d even start a conversation about it with her. She has a tendency of making jokes out of important things (she made fun of my self harming and sent me to a therapist instead of reaching out to me and seeing why I might be doing it). She’s been going her whole life with it so maybe I won’t say anything at all.

Lastly, finding out I may have ocd puts a wrench into my life plans. I wanted to join the military and go to college through them so I don’t have to get a student loan, and train to become a pilot. I know mental disorders and history of self harm are disqualifying factors and that means I have to come up with a plan B. I really hope it doesn’t affect my chances because I have no clue what I am going to do otherwise.

I have so much more to put down but this is long enough as it is. Does anyone else share my experiences? Any advice for me? Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings!



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