I’m hoping that by writing these blogs, I can develop some sort of understanding as to what it is that I’m feeling. Part of me is using this as an escape and the other half is looking for closure. I recently just got out of school (like, yesterday) and I feel nothing. Now that I’m writing that down it feels so insignificant but still… shouldn’t I be, excited? Like fuck its summer and I don’t have to worry about ignorant people and homework and getting up early! I should be pumped! But, I’m not. I still feel the same empty feeling inside me and with every second that I recognize it, it grows. For the past two years I’ve been in this downward spiral, and usually its been maintained to the point where I don’t have to give anyone a serious reason to worry. However over the past couple months, its gotten out of control. I scared myself, in a way that I never have before. My first step (to getting actual help) was reaching out to a hotline. I was watching 13 reasons why (I know, smart right?) and I saw that there were people you could reach out to, so I did. After a while of talking, they suggested this website and yea… here I am.
Last Friday, I got into a confrontation with my parents. It started off with me trying to tell them how I was feeling but then turned into them yelling at me, telling me to get my shit together and “get out of this slump, otherwise [I’m] gonna hit rock bottom”. Oh how I love to hear inspirational and comforting quotes from my mother and father :). That conversation is what I call my “breaking point”. I went over the ledge. i rushed up to my room and pulled out a notebook and started writing my note. I apologized and said things… then I grabbed some allergen medicine that’s supposed to knock you out after just taking one so I figured a few of those would do the job… anyways I sat for about 5 minutes before I heard my father attempting to come into my room. I rushed the pills back into the bottle and slipped the note away. he asked what I was doing before he came in and of course, me being the lunatic weirdo that I am, said nothing.
I think I’m just about done with life. I just want to walk away from everything at this point. I have this thought in my head that everything would be so much easier with me gone… sure there would be pain at first but everyone moves on eventually. At this point, the only thing holding me back is fear, but i feel that that excuse is just about run its course.