I'm in a whatever mood.  My OCD is being mean to me today.  So is my happy – sad button.  I think the happy button is broken.  Maybe it will be fixed tomorrow.  It was fine this a.m.  Something turned it off though.

Mmh I went to group today.  I confessed how I am bad girlfriend.  What I did and what provoked it.  I don't know if I should have…  It's just weird with other people in the room.  I'm not an open person.  But I'm tring and on here it's alot more easy.  Because the people that do read this are more apt to understand me I guess.

I still like one on one better.  I guess I can admit I do like the attention all on me so I can focus more on what I need to change rather then being distracted by the other people in the group. 

It feels disorganized.  Their moods are always diffrent, so is mine.  With Luda it's alot more of a given.  I mean she has to be a certin way most of the time.  She can't just be in a pissy mood and lash out with stupidness.  I need that.  Someone who is not in a pissy mood to listen to me without other pissy people around splurting out nonsense.   

So I can reflect on what I said, what I did, and how I said it.  So I can correct myself next time I notice myself emotionaly slacking.  Obsessing.  Is that selfish? 

I understand Luda is going to have bad days too.  But I'm sure her bad days are more of a soild reason then something stupid like Clydes references.  It's like sometimes I like him and sometimes I don't.  Sometimes he gets on my nerves and sometimes I think what he says is funny.  He definitely helps to fuck my mood up somedays.

And it also makes me mad none of them have a job…  That they are all on disability.  I have a damn job and have to be in group because my place of employment only offers mini meds.  Which is retarded.  How is that fair…  Why do I even try.  Life is retarded.

And I hate how they talk about drugs when she leaves the room.  Stop lying to her.  She is tring to help you, help yourself, and you are lying…  Morons. 

I try and I try and I try.  But I guess it just doesn't matter.  I'll just take what is offered to me.  It's free and I don't have 105.00  to pay for the one on one…  As I silently scream inside of myself how I fuck everything up.

Which also brings me to I don't think I can handle an ending to the group. I know eventually it's going to happen, that we are going to have a last session, and what I keep asking myself is do I want to stay in there until the very end…  I mean I do, but at the same time I don't.  I feel so soulless for being selfish and lost.

From the very begining of the group this is how I've felt.  Before when I  talked to just Luda I felt more like I could take the opening up at a slower pace.  I feel forced and rushed to open up.  So I can help myself.  And in my head everything is just twirling back downwards.  I haven't had thoughts to cut myself in a while and now I think about every other day and I don't know why…

I just don't want to be taxing to anyone with my fucked up feelings and silly horrid thoughts.  So I hide the thoughts and try to have no feelings.  The only one I can't shake is Mr. Anxiety.  He's an asshole.

I feel like a jack in the box and each day my crank gets another 360 spin until I pop out and say RAWHHH   >:|


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