i dont know what to say…ive come to realize i dont have any friends except one who i think i pissed off this wknd….and i will probably loose as well

what pisses me off ive been trying to get out instead of just laying in bed and doing nothing on weekends. Ive tried going out to bars and small live music venues just to be around people because my therapist suggested it.

even though im dealing with my depression i am trying but i still cant make new friends or mingle or what ever people do in social gatherings. i feel i am not that person i once was.

i used to have womens numbers and buddies to hang out with and parties to go to years ago…..i had a social life….now i only have one friend who calls me and i think she only stays my friend because i have none….i dont want a friend to be my friend because she feels sorry i have know one else….ugh pity!

now i realized the people i once new dont ever call me anymore..the women i once new are who knows where?….

im also afraid to talk to people now. sometimesi can be around my coworkers and not say one thing and stand there like a statue in a conversation. i guess i feel im not important enough or think i dnt have anything good enough in my life to contribute to the conversation?

i met some old friends i maybe see once a year for a st pat day this saturday him and his wife. i didnt mind but i felt like the 3rd person. as they talked about there lives i felt that i had nothing to contribute or good to say about mine….i realy felt out of place. my depression makes me feel so empty that i feel my life is not important to share with anybody.

i have no hobbies anymore…i dnt find an interest in things anymore unless you call drinking a hobby? but i stopped drinking heavily years ago. i cant even drink socialy right now because the alcohol makes my depression even worse……

im so f-ing pissed off because i dont know how to make friends anymore or socialize with people anymore. ive literaly closed up to the world.

i get scared going alone to new places or even familiar ones because i feel im on a stage with a million people watching and i will screw up in front of them……i feel alone and scared 100% of the time now.

i dont know what happend to that person i once was who had tons of friends women to date and places to go….now i have no one….

i keep thinking maybe i said negative things and drove people away?….who wants negative people in there life? i feel maybe i drove everyone away and i didnt realize it….

maybe im a f-ing weirdo? my sister said i was weirdo one time and wanted to fix me up with her weirdo friend…? what the hell? i dont want date a person as crappy as me? i want someone normal in my life!my xwife once told me before she dated me people around our old job where we worked thought i was weird. i didnt do anything weird i was just quiet and kept to myself and didnt say much…are people considered weirdos now if they are quiet and dont say much?

maybe im a f-ing weirdo and i dont know it and thts why people dont want to talk to me or be my friend….

if people think im weird maybe i dont fit in and i if i dont have any real freinds maybe i dont belong anywhere.

im angry and sad because maybe there is something wrong with me and I dont realize it? i am a weirdo?….i dont fit in anymore…maybe im a freak? maybe im not normal…….

i feel more confortable just being alone right now and hiding from everyone……………