the ocd crap has been a bit worse since my docter gave me a diagnoses the other day. a diagnoses i didn’t  like. its pretty much the same ocd just kinda feel like its harder to uh… go up against or something. kind of feel more controlled by it these days. and i was feeling controlled before but now its just worse. especially the first day he told me the diagnoses.  just sort of feel confused.

basically he told me i have schizophrenia. that hit me hard

kind of have been feeling defeated. like i wasnt feeling defeated enough. been going through all this shit for over two years now. not being able to function cause nothing makes me happy anymore. feel detached from my family or anyone else. plus al this shit in my head. cant think normally. hard to communicate. or express myself in any way. even to myself.

i think i was just beginning to kind of understand somewhat of what im going through. now this hits me and i feel like everythings been tunred on its head. feel more alone than ever.

i can recall a time, one of a couple times i felt better for a bit in the past two years, i felt like i was part of my family.. hadnt felt that in a long time. like i wasnt alone. but it only lasted for a couple hours. then started to fade. made me realize how detached i feel form my family. kind of feel like a lone person within my family. but it felt good to feel sort of connected to the rest of my family for that time.

its sad because i could be having a normal life right now. just waking up, feeling normal, feeling part of my family, like i can communicate with them, have fun, do things that make me feel good. but whatever happened a few years ago changed all that. and now i kind of feel stuck with this. wish those times i feel better wouldnt be so rare and fleeting.

for some reason now that i have this diagnoses, i sort of feel hopeless. like i shouldnt even bother to try and get better or have any hope.

i match up my symptoms with schizophrenia symptoms and it just takes away all hope of getting better. kind of like theres no point to even get through the day anymore.

nothings going to make me happy. nothing really grabs my attention anymore. never feel content. never excited or enthusiastic about anything. or passionate. even sexual. everythings just kind of blank.  and its been this way for like two years now. just thewse days i feel even less in control.