hello tribe mates,

i must sound like oscar the grouch by now but everytime i think i'm fine and that i've accepted my lot my therapist always finds a way to push the right buttons to get me to flare up again.  maybe i'm being a little unfair and it's not all her fault because if it wasn't there i guess she wouldn't be able to push anything.  then again this is a sign that i have a good therapist because she makes me bring things to the forefront rather then just sweep it under the rug.  It could also be the fact that i'm just over one month away from my 2 year anniversary of my status change and also 1 month closer to taking meds.  somehow i felt that i would be one of those who never had to go on meds and be ok…i at least hoped that i could go at least 5 yrs without needing them.  i'm goal oriented and i had set that as my goal because when i first saw my doctor she had said that if my numbers stayed the way they were she wouldn't anticipate me needing any for at least 5 yrs so that was the goal i set myself but my body seems to be conspiring against me and making me fall very far from my goal by 3 years…and i feel like a failure that i can't even count on my body to stand by me…how's the biblical quote go.."the mind is willing but the flesh is weak."  it just seems that every thing is so unjust and i'm constantly rolling snake eyes.  i try not to linger on these feeling because it makes me sound like a helpless victim and i'm neither helpless nor victim or it sounds like a pity party and i neither like giving them, receiving them or even throwing one for myself.  i've always been a fighter but sometimes it gets tiring that everthing in my life has had to been attained by struggle and perseverance.  once in a while it would be nice to have something good happen without the requisite pound of flesh, blood sweat and tears.  if i could only get past the anger i think i'll be okay…

well tomorrow is another day and like little orphan annie sings…"the sun will come out tomorrow …"

thank god that this site exists….  


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