Well, I've made it Three years. Three years and well not sure. lol a lot of things have happened in the past three years that I never could have imagined on the day I was diagnosed.

On an interesting note I had my 6 month biannual appointment with my HIV specialist the 16th. a couple of days ago.

He told me a few things. My numbers are not doing good. I expected to hear that oh say like in another five to ten years? But no. Instead of being able to go a decade (the far end of the asymptomatic stage) without hearing those words from a doctor I got a simple Three years. Three years of wondering, waiting, and curiosity as to how long my CD4 count would remain stable.

When Shannon (my HIV doctor ***his first name***) told me that he wants to put me on medications I got kind of quiet. I mean my stance of being ant-medication has been fairly solid. However unless your doctor isn't worried you shouldn't worry. Shannon is worried. I can not say I blame him. I am after all his youngest patient; and one of the few on his caseloads that has been doing good status wise.

On the other hand the situation forces me to confront a simple equation. Do I want to go on HIV meds? I wish I could say yesI do and be o.k. with that answer.

The truth is as always farther from our own hands and closer to our hearts.

In my heart, yes… I want to live. No one really wants to die. To live and dream and hope and laugh… to cry and know joy …. To stand up for a cause knowing it is the right thing to do without remorse… To smile and know all will be right with the world….. To be human and chart the course of life knowing you will make a difference even if it is so small only the universe knows of that change? To live….that is an adventure.

But not all things are as they would seem to be. Time passes… we fight, struggle, know pain, know joy… hold on to some dreams and others let go… live each day uncertain of the next….. and in the end wonder why.

I've talked to a few friends here where I live who are HIV positive.one of them went on meds within a year of diagnosis, another has never been on meds and is an elite controller. Ironic as it may seem I have met so many other people right here in my home town who have HIV and or are in the AIDS phase of the journey. A few I have seen brave the mirror of death.. while others struggle in vain to get just one more day… another moment… another sunrise in their last few weeks. Each person I have talked to have said the same thing. The journey is different for everyone; and no one has all the answers… not even the doctors, nurses, case managers, or counselors.

So the question I have asked myself remains just that. On this the beginning of my Third year into the journey… now faced with the choice of HIV meds (my doctor does not know what he can prescribe me yet…. more blood tests to see oh and the genotype testing as well) I have a question to answer which unfortunately I am the only one that can come up with the answer.

To quote my case manager "You made it three years, Three wonderful years without having to take medications. Count yourself luckier by far than some. Please consider the option at least." And it is an option I really have a hard time with.

I do not know for sure what my answer will be. Given that I am faced with health that is inevitably failing little by little it is a good question. Do I want to Start HIV meds now in hopes that I will gain a few years or more? Or do the easy thing and say screw it. I'm done.

The easy option is to not take the meds. I mean why? what is the point in prolonging this? No one has survived, a cure is not in sight, and the epidemic marches on. I mean hell. my family… what family? right? Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all I guess. So the easy option is to not take the meds.

The hard option for me (as only other's here will understand) is to take the medications, pray my health doesn't fully tank, and hope for a cure. The hard option comes with a choice to take pills each day for the rest of my life be it 5 or 25 years right?

The choice to take meds as I have come to conclude is a proactive choice as defined by the pharmacological companies and Medical establishment. As a patient you are expected by everyone to take HIV medicines when the time arrives.

But no asks you if you even want to take the medicines. They just assume. And then those that turn down the medicines in favor of the end are called non compliant or problem patients. Psychologists are contacted, and you are put on a a red-flag listing as mentally incapable of managing your own health, life, or financial affairs. Social services step in and all of a sudden life gets complicated without anyone ever having asked you if you even wanted to take meds in the first place.

i have actually seen this happen to a few other people who turned down meds. It was scary. Crazy actually. but yet that is what I possibly face if I turn down HIV meds.

So like have said before. Make no move in vain and all moves as you would a piece on the chessboard.

I will come to my decision. It is not an overnight decision, however, rather it is a decision that must be made starting with the heart. To or not to take medications? That my friend is the question. That is a question which I will answer; but only given time which runs this race against me. Yes Time shall win, however, I shall have my say. Once I toss the dice; I can not recall them, so with everything being said….

I have but two weeks to make the decision. Happy Third year right?