no matter how exhausted i am i still can't seem to sleep. no matter how hungry i am i can't bring myself to eat. nothing seems appetizing and at least feeling hunger pains is feeling something. i'm too sad to sleep and too tired to cry. i want so badly to change, but any attempt at doing so just makes me feel more uncomfortable. i can cut my hair and buy a new wardrobe, but the only thing i can't seem to change is the way i think. slowly but surely i've begun losing the people i've held closest to me. it's time for me to leave this place and explore not only the world, but myself and yet i'm too scared to leave everything i've ever known. i am ruled by fear. i am a prisoner in myself. i am stuck. i am destined to never be loved as much as i love someone in return. i am trying to find the balance between hopeful and hopeless. i have waited all night for a phone call that never came. beauty can only capture someone's interest for so long. my heart has dropped and i wonder if i'll ever hear from him again. i am not expendable, so why am i so easy to replace? how is it people always seem so willing to forget? everyone leaves, i'd expect as much from anyone and still every time it happens it hurts just as bad as the time before. say what you mean and mean what you say, because when i said i needed you i meant that i really need you. i don't want to be alone anymore.

i sat outside in the cold and wrote. i didn't think, i just wrote.

i am loved, i am a ghost. i am a song that has never been sung. i am open, only myself, i am a book with a twisted spine left to rot here on this forgotten shelf. i am twisted, a real radiant beauty. i am the best kept secret that promises to destroy me. i cry like i used to laugh, i laugh like i'm about to cry. i dissect myself in the chance of finding something left inside. alive to the naked eye, but i've abandoned all hope beneath the lens of a microscope. three minutes away from peeling the skin from my left arm and pinning it to the wall just to see how it feels to be a work of art. i claw and grasp, two minutes away from smashing my mouth against the pavement, a desperate attempt to feel anything other than this. a mouth full of shattered glass, i am tired of biting my tongue, so i'll cut it out instead. who would dare kiss such a mangled face? a physical manifestation of how gnarled i am inside. who would dare kiss such a pretty face? one minute away from escapism, i have nothing left to say except, "it's not that i don't want to live, because i really don't want to die, i just want to stay somewhere in between, i just want to sleep forever."