okay, i have try to balance out these blogs a little.

i would like to clarify a little bit about my last blogs and the last couple days.

first, although my best friend person could have been a little kinder, he didn't realize i'd had a full on graphic memory of being molested friday night.  he knew i was upset, but didn't understand the full extent.

so, i got into a "fight" with him on saturday because i was still really messed up.  i can't really justify his actions, but i know he did the best he could.  he's a survivor, too, and he's going through a really difficult time. 

that night didn't go too well.  i wound up cutting myself and was pretty suicidal.  and it kinda hurt my feelings that he minimized it all.  i mean, he handed me some bandaids  and didn't worry too much about the whole suicidal thing.

then he went to sleep while i hung out on the couch.  i talked to an old friend on the phone tho, and he really cheered me up.  so i'm lucky to have good friends.

sunday morning i was woken up and kicked out of my best friend's place.  he's never done that to me before, and it hurt my feelings pretty bad.  we've talked about it since.  he didn't exactly apologize, but i plan on bringing it up later in the week.  anyway, i slept all day sunday because i was just too sad to move.  didn't get my big paper done.

 

and then i talked to my dad.  last thing i should've done, but he called three times, so finally i answered.  it was a long long bad bad talk.  ha.  it was really f*cked up.  he questioned my progress and gave me a long talk about how financially invested he is in me.  he also asked me why i'm so messed up in therapy and all.  i finally mentioned the nightmares and being suicidal since age 9 and all.  he asked me if i was molested.  i said yes.  

what a strange conversation to have with one's abuser.  he asked who was in my nightmares.  i was really broken down by this point.  thank god the conversation was on the phone.  i just kept saying "i don't know".  he asked if it was family.  he asked it if was my brother.  he even asked if it was him.  i don't know how i got through that conversation.

 

i talked to both andy (the best friend i keep mentioning) and marcella (ex girlfriend and still good friend), and between the two of them i kinda pulled myself together.  but i didn't get any school work done.

but i went to group therapy today, and as usual they were super supportive.  and i went to see my prof, and just said, yeah i'm failing your class.  i guess it's not that big of a tragedy.  i can petition the university for a late withdrawal (which i'm working on), or i can repeat the course and apply for grade forgiveness.  either way it's going to look really bad in my transcript.  but what am i going to do?

 

so i'm not happy today.  but i'm better.  i guess. 

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