So… Aparently I'm getting sucked in again.  The funny part… I knew it was happening, but for some reason it just struck me tonight. 

Kind of a stupid laughing that turned slightly manical… and then deep blushing, that makes me feel so hot.  And then… the crying. 

Why do I do this.  I look at all these pretty words and they are exactly what I want to hear… and I take them to heart.  I believe every single one of them.  I let myself dream about them…

And normally, this pain doesn't happen until the end.  This feeling that I will never stop crying… That I will always be alone… It happens weeks after it's over.  When I finally allow my brain to realize that I need to stop pretending. 

Not this time.  I've started before anything really happened.  I've placed myself in mourning over something that I can't allow myself to have.  I started to shut down to the possibilities before they were much more than fleeting thoughts. 

I'm holding the past up and allowing it to shape and change my future… And I know it's wrong.  I know I can't hold things against others… I can't be that girl who lives in the past so much so that she is really facing a reality alone because of it. 

I'm alone.  I've always been alone.  Even with the few people who tried to get passed my walls… They came after it was too late.  I pushed so hard they all stopped trying.  No one wants to be friends with a girl who will constantly push their buttons trying to get them to hate her as much as she hates herself. 

So here I sit.  In pain, trying to lock the feelings and emotions down so that in time I will be back to just being invisible.

I hate this self pitying bullshit.  There are alot of worse things I could be dealing with… I hate crying over the fact that I've done this to myself.