So… Aparently I'm getting sucked in again. The funny part… I knew it was happening, but for some reason it just struck me tonight.
Kind of a stupid laughing that turned slightly manical… and then deep blushing, that makes me feel so hot. And then… the crying.
Why do I do this. I look at all these pretty words and they are exactly what I want to hear… and I take them to heart. I believe every single one of them. I let myself dream about them…
And normally, this pain doesn't happen until the end. This feeling that I will never stop crying… That I will always be alone… It happens weeks after it's over. When I finally allow my brain to realize that I need to stop pretending.
Not this time. I've started before anything really happened. I've placed myself in mourning over something that I can't allow myself to have. I started to shut down to the possibilities before they were much more than fleeting thoughts.
I'm holding the past up and allowing it to shape and change my future… And I know it's wrong. I know I can't hold things against others… I can't be that girl who lives in the past so much so that she is really facing a reality alone because of it.
I'm alone. I've always been alone. Even with the few people who tried to get passed my walls… They came after it was too late. I pushed so hard they all stopped trying. No one wants to be friends with a girl who will constantly push their buttons trying to get them to hate her as much as she hates herself.
So here I sit. In pain, trying to lock the feelings and emotions down so that in time I will be back to just being invisible.
I hate this self pitying bullshit. There are alot of worse things I could be dealing with… I hate crying over the fact that I've done this to myself.