I'm so fucking unattached to reality. So far gone that it would take me a long time to get back into the swing of things to have a normal decent conversation with someone who doesnt have SA that i might happen to meet in REAL LIFE as opposed to my computer life. I barely talk to anyone, aside from online friends and one guy friend since i moved here. If you could call him that, and its nothing short of awkward now b/c my anxiety level is so up there, i hardly say much. I dont even know why we still hang out. I think we are just "fillers" for eachother. its just weird. Nothing is the same anymore with me. Nothing brings me happiness, nothing.
Today i took a cab home b/c the regular couldnt make it and it was a very talkative female. People are just so open. And the more open they are the more i clam up. When i tried to speak it was like lifting a 100 pound weight. It takes effort, lots of it and when i do manage to utter a few words, its always unenthusiastic or drivel really. I struggle to concentrate hard enough to get the right words. That is what my anxiety does to me, it makes me speak slower and struggle to find words. Compare that to when im close and comfortable enough with someone and im a gregarious freak. Sometimes, i wont shutup. That is another one of my fears, talking too much. My mom always told me i did , always told me to be quiet and i never understood why. Other people liked to hear me talk. Other families. I thought i got over this long ago but i guess not.
I get jealous of the people who can just crack a joke whenever needed or talk so easily about their life, i get jealous that they even have a life.
More and more i keep realizing that i'm never going to get out of this funk. I keep contemplating meds, and i keep staying depressed. I dont feel like i belong here anymore , i cant get a job in my field, no one calls me back over here, which means i cant get a car and before i do that i have to get a license and i have to take lessons and i dont want to. I'm scared shitless of driving and especialy bc people are nuts here and i just got hit on my bicycle in april. Nothing is moving forward, i quit physical therapy, it wasnt helping , im getting epidural in jections as a more "agrressive form of treatment". I hope it takes some of the pain away. I feel sick, i cant kick this flu or whatever it is, a bad cold with naseau.
So i ask, when is my mother ship coming to beam me up??
I need to move …why am i here? What am i doing? I NEED A JOB.