Are racing thoughts as they appear to be? Can one person have so many different thoughts running wild in your head at one time that it all runs together as one loud noise?
My biggest problem is: for a little while I'll get the ball rolling and be doing really well, then for unknown reasons I begin to go down hill with such momentum there's no stopping the downward spiral.
 When this happens I'm zapped of everything!
Sleeping is only a dream, my appetite comes and goes, my nerves are frayed and I hurt all over !
My coping skills become nonexistent I'm nothing but a shell of my former self. I don't know myself anymore so I can hardly expect others around to know me either.

I just wish that had more people in my life that were understanding and supportive. I barely get my head above the water from the last wave that had crashed into me that another one hits me. I swear, sometimes it feels as if I'm dying.

It's scary to admit this, but here lately I've been so hopeless that suicide has been on my mind more and more these days. The reason for that is because it seems as if my life has done nothing but go in circles. Of course, it's been different people and places but it's always ended up being the same old shit!

I'm worn down and tired. Where I used to have a fight in me, the fight is now gone I just don't have the energy for even one more battle. I'm being sucked dry by those around me. I'm trapped I have no one to talk to, no one that I can run to and certainly can't leave because I have no where to go that I wouldn't be in the same or worse shape that I'm now.

Many times, I'm left feeling like I have only two choices that I can make,
Leave or die and since I have no where to go, death is looking like the only option that I have left. It's scary to think that any day now with one more awful blow I will die at my own hands.

Can't anyone around me see that I'm drowning over here? Is it that they aren't blind it's just that refuse to see? It isn't a hearing problem they have, they hear just fine, problem is they don't listen.
What will it be like for them when I'm gone? I know, what a terrible thing for me to think! sorry, I'm just being honest about what I'm thinking. It has to come out some way. I wonder, if they would then think maybe they should have listened, judged less and supported more. Pulled instead of pushing and spoke with more care rather than hollering and condemning!

why is it that people always seem to wait until the last minute to do something and feeling comfortable in taking the risk that not acting in the right way and/or fast enough may be the only minute they had left to do something.

really, is it ok, to procrastinate when someone's life is in the balance? Couldn't procrastination be considered as a form of just not giving a shit, being selfish or is it plain laziness? excuses, are other things that get in the way as well. I guess, if you were to look hard enough you could find a reasonable excuse for just about anything, to that note, I feel so overwhelmed and hopeless almost all the time these days.

well, I've said as much as I can say right now. I'm glad to have D-tribe to come to when I need to vent and work some things out in my mind. To post a blog like this anywhere else, would give those who have hurt me in the past and those in the future the tools in which to hurt me with. Thanks for being here, even if I don't hear from anyone I trust that at least one person will read this and care. Thnx!!

1 Comment
  1. hornet 13 years ago

    Brokenfairy,

    I hear what you are saying. I so wanted to reply earlier but couldn't until you sent through your acceptance to be a friend. Reading your blog was like looking at my life in a mirror. The way you put it into words just explains everything I am feeling and thinking. It feels like no-one else understands. I am a relative new member to D Tribe and am glad I found it. On numerous long nights it has saved my life. Just having others to talk to that understand has been a great help. I hope you keep coming to D Tribe and seeking support. It is a great place to vent. Try and stick with us!!!!!!

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