I was the biggest child before… getting really angry at a computer for freezing… It was weird… Today has just been a general off day.. my mum and i were supposed to go to the movies but i slept in and the next session wasnt until 2.30 and she had to get my brother at three…
I guess i should of seen it coming, well honestly i did, i just didnt want to believe it. Like for once, my mum and i would have a day to ourselves where nothing got in the way… HA big chance of that.
I guess im tiered of being let down… by technology, by people… things arent meant to work perfectly, i understand that much.. but just for once, it would be nice if they did.
Especially tecnology. You pay good money for it so why cant you expect that much to work as it should?
Baaaad day… which feels like its going to impact my next week.. not to mention its my ex's 21st on sunday… I feel like I should be there.
That im meant to be there… even if i was unhappy… it just doesnt feel right and i hate that.
I hate that its been two months & i still pine over him.. that i cant imagion sharing experiences with anyone else but myself, why?
I reason with myself saying that I just want time to myself… but my mum said the other day if i met someone, the right kind of someone, they would wash away all my insercurities… my fears…
But this Lawrence guy doesnt. Yes he makes me happy… but there's that massive wall of fear that i just cant get past. Where does that leave him?
Mum said i should tell him to move on, to find another because he shouldnt have to be waiting around for me…
I do, and all he says is "im happy to wait"… he's been single for two years and told me why he likes me the other day which was extremely sweet…
Something to do with the fact that when we were younger i was the only person that was nice to him because he was a big boy, and how i still give him butterflies and that he's always wanted a chance with me…
right there… thats when the wall pushes me back…. like im trying to get through it, with reason and feeling… and as soon as i get to that point, my ex jumps into my head. Like i shouldnt give lawrence a chance because of him.
But why? I see his face and its like… dissapproving… is that what im scared of? My ex dissapproving of my choice to try and move on?
and that i dont want to let him down…
I was always trying so hard to please that man… even after…