I suppose after my introductory blog, one might thing that I’m simply another sad sack playing the victim. Perhaps I am. I’ve not really figured that one out myself.
I discovered something I need tonight, while talking with my partner about our respective issues.
I want to feel safe again. I’ve not felt truly safe for too close to a decade now. Always floating from place to place. Landing somewhere and scurrying off when I’ve overstayed my welcome. I’ve yet to be truly self sufficient for any long-term amount of time, because I have been scared.
Of failing, as I always inevitably seem to do. My moral compass tends to lead me astray over and over again. This is a cycle I must figure out how to stop.
It seems however that always at my lowest points I find myself unable to financially afford to seek out a therapist who’d probably be much more versed in coping strategies.
I’m the most self-defeating person I know. I have absolutely zero faith in my ability to just survive comfortably anymore. I wasn’t always like this.
The last 8 years at least has been filled with soul-sucking negativity. Not just from within, but from without as well. I just feel incredibly broken down.
I’m in the scurrying off phase of the pattern again. I want to change it this time. I want to land in a place I can stay as long as I like. A place where I can be in control, and take the time to breathe.
Without being called lazy. Its not laziness. Its gutwrenching fear. That I will fail again and have no net left to catch me. That thing seems to have deteriorated completely.
I am refocusing. Saving. Trying to not end up homeless in the process.
Trying to find my safe place.