im such an idiot.

saterday i got too drunk & i smoked weed; which i havent done since januray 23rd(- my stp brothers 18th) it fucked me up. i drank so much vodka. i fell over alot n hit my head afew times.

i got so angry & emotional/ i cried so much. i opened the ‘flood gates’ n it all just came out. it started becasue my friend ollie promised he wouldnt do MDMA again, but right in front of me he asked our mate if he’d brought some with him. it sent me fucking mental. he broke his promis right in front of me. ollie is my best friend, we’ve stuck by each other, we’ve been through so much together. ahh. thats just the begining of the night.

while waiting to find the rest of the people staying at jess’s house after the party i ended up walking off talking to dan, who ive been mates with for 2+ years. n well.., we were drunkenly fliritng n what not. we ended up kissing. he tried pulling my skirt up n i pulled in back down n steped away from him n he said " what are you doing, is nothing going to happen then? why are we here if were just going to talk?" i was like…. ah…hmm. he has a girlfriend in the year below us at our collage for fuck sake. she was staying at jess aswell.

so yea we got off more- but he pushed me against the wall quite hard & i hit my head again, which still hurts now. i felt so fuking dizzy but i knew what was happening. but i felt like id lost my real voice. this voice was speaking and saying things that i didnt mean. we ended up having sex in a bush. he put his hand on my chest & told me not to move & to be quite…. he didnt look at me once. & after he got up, answered his phone to his girlfriend & ran off & left me. alone in the dark completly drunk, confused, used & lost.

i manged to find the main road, so i rang jess in tears but my brothers mates answered. they jumped in a car found me n took me back to jess’s. when i got throught the front door, crynig my eyes out he was there hugging his girlfriend, i ran upstairs n got into the bath & tried to srub every last bit of him off me,.

i have to see him everyday at collage. he completly avoids my eye contact. i feel phsyically sick round him n dizzy. ive been throwing up becasue my bodys so stressed about it. i feel like an utter slag. i feel dirty n used n stupid. how did i get myself in that situation? i was desperated for someone to love me, notice me that i had sex ina bush!?!

i should know better. i should no by now that sex means nothing to some guys. that i mean nothing to most guys. & i clearly mean nothing to myself.