i feel terrible for writing this – especially after my blog yesterday – but i feel ive got to get it out somewhere and have noone else to talk to…the people i could talk about it with are the reason for it and the other people i cant reach or don’t want to bring down when they are doing so well and have enough of their own stuff going on xxx i just can’t do this anymore – its like some sick merry-go-round…  staff nurse says nothing has actually changed from yesterday, just my emotions…my self-esteem pyschology book tells me my emotions aren’t real…well docs they are f*@~#$g well real to me!!  i feel claustrophobic and trapped. im tired. im bored. in the greater scheme of things, i feel hopeless and pointless. as much progress as im making, it doesnt change anything in the bigger picture. im sick of plodding and slipping and picking myself back up on the treadmill of recovery. mum says i’ve been going to therapy long enough now and nothings changed, there’s no root to my problems…maybe she should look in the mirror that might give her a clue! i’m thoroughly misunderstood and controlled by my parents and desperately fighting to gain some independance. you’d think that at 24 and having left home at 18 they would acknowledge im an adult. im confused by their games- one minute im a grown up and have to sort out my own things – the next they talk to me like a child. i dont know what the hell to do with myself. im angry. im sad. im worn out. my head cant take this rollercoaster anymore. almost everywhere i turn i have a barrage of opinions and rules and stress and things i should be doing and aren’t doing or am doing. i want to be alone but i feel lonely. i want to cry and i want to scream. i dont know what is happening in my head – i can feel it coming on again … that awful blackhole making me feel like i only have one option left. that i cant take it all anymore. its stress and sadness and hatred all rolled into one. i’m waiting it out as thats the only thing i can do. i sincerely hope and pray ive not made anyone reading this feel worse or sad or hurt because that is the last thing in the world i want to do. xxx


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