WOW.  I haven’t been on here in a while, believe me, I’ve thought about my friends here at DT. 
I’m so f****g — I feel like giving up.  Seriously.  I’m writing because my journal is not helping me at all, and I feel like I can’t even turn to my family or friends anymore.  I’m falling apart. 🙁

I don’t know what to do.  So much has happened (or not, part of the problem) in the past month.  I’m trying to cope with it, but it’s so dam hard!!  I feel like I’m going crazy.  I’m feeling SO depressed like, worst ever.  Then the next part of the day I’m in a state of NO energy, then all the sudden I get in this horrible irritation mood, like, i seriously cannot control the rage and have never felt this much rage inside of me ever before, and it’s getting worse.
I had two normal days last week, I LOVED them.  I have been reading the bible, tyring to put all my faith in the Lord, it’s so hard.  Everything keeps toppling down on me, and there’s nobody there to help me.  People don’t understand, and I’m always the one who listens, the one who people come to because I’m the ‘great listener’ and I give the ‘great advice’, you know.  But I’m finding out that when I need someone to listen to ME for once, to give ME advice, I don’t get it.  Nobody is here for me.  God so much has happened in the past months.  February in itself was a huge tribulation.  Well, the job situation hasn’t changed,  I still haven’t gotten called back.  Found out through one of the girls there that the new girl (she started like 2 months before the seasonal lay off) has been working all winter, and the girl who sucks at the job (doesn’t care, pops pills and even snorted cocaine once when the boss was on vacation, she even lost one of our big clients from poor customer service–I can go on), even this girl, is back to work.  The guy I dated while me and my hub of 10 years were split up (I thought it was for good, i thought I was broken up w/him for good, guess not) sent me an email telling me to go f**k myself and called me a little bitch because I didn’t call him on v-day when he KNOWS I am with my boyfriend again – and we work together!!! 
I’ve been looking for another job now for some time because I feel like ever since he sent me that email I really don’t want to go back there, I would feel like I was disrespecting myself being around someone who treated me like that, and then also because I feel betrayed in a way that the boss has taken these two other girls in before me and I was the best employee, worked my ass off, even was the only one allowed or trusted enough to have the keys to the place and she left me in charge when she was on vacation.. whatever..
So I’m having a hard time finding a job which is very upsetting, I went to a few interviews, and thought I nailed them, we got along great and yet no callbacks that I got a job.  I even took the initiative today to call a woman back from an interview I went to on Friday because I did my first interview, they liked me and asked me to come in for a second interview the same day w/the guy, did really well, he told me to take the assessment test online and then if all was well I could start in 2 weeks or less, and I took the test yesterday, and then didn’t hear from her today (I thought the 10 inches of snow must have closed them up yesterday), so I called and got her voicemail so I left a message just asking about it, seeing if they had made their decision yet.  I didn’t get a call back.
I don’t understand it, I have never had a problem getting a job.  Then okay, me and bf got back together, I laid down my own point of view on things that needed to change, and he was okay with it.  And it’s like mamabear said.  It feels like it was all just to get me back.  Now, he lives in Broomall, which, his dad passed and his mom had a stroke and can’t take care of herself, so she is living with his sis and he wants to be close to her.  fine.  I understand that.
Completely.  but, when he asked me what he should do, to move around my way or to move around her way, well, I didn’t give him an answer.  I just said to do what he felt he wanted to do.  So, he moved there.  And now situation has changed, he has been putting it on me SO badly ALL the time, i mean ALLLLLLLLL the time, that he is ‘tired of being alone’ and he ‘doesn’t have anyone’ and all this and that, and to come move in w/him and all this.  He knows i don’t want to live there.  I told him if he can get out of his lease then I will go ahead and we can look for a place that is where we BOTH want to live, fair is fair.  It’s about both of us being happy, not just him.
But, the whole thing is, in the beginning i told him I was moving in w/my sis and that year would give him time to stop smoking pot (I do not want to be around that anymore – and that’s another story in itself), and it will give us the time needed to sort things out and be strong enough in the relationship so when we DO move in together, that we won’t be bringing any problems in the past with us.  But, I put all this aside, and kind of gave into him, saying that okay, if you get out of your lease, we can move in together to a place we both like.  He is now complaining about that, saying he can’t get out of his lease no matter what, and that i just need to be happy whereever we are, even if it’s not in a neighborhood I like.  Yes, I guess i could give in, and move there, move away from my whole family (even though I’m trying to enjoy this last year w/them since i plan to move to FL next year), move completely out of the way of my job, find a new job around his liking, and learn that area.  Yes, i coudl do that.  but, is it a compromise?  NO.  I just feel like, it’s his way or he complains about it all the time so that we can’t even enjoy ourlives.
Then with him, I trust him enough that I can vent on him about certain things.  my depression and my deepest thought, which i now know i cannot even trust him, now I feel COMPLETELY lost since now I truly have nobody to turn to to expel any of this inside me – no i cannot afford to go to a therapist…
He just takes everything I say about anything, and says to me, well, just come move in with me and everything will be better.  He wants me to move in there, to a place I didn’t pick out, a place that I don’t care to live, I don’t want to live, and he wantsme to cook his dinner’s every night, and clean the apartment, and take care of him, but yet, i have to work too and take care of myself too, and all the other stuff — asking him for money is not an option anymore, i don’t even want to get into that.  just to  say he hasn’t changed in that, I asked him if he could get me a nutrition drink because I havebeen having such stomach problems and not being able to afford food, I needed to get my nutrients, and he said sure, and then when i told him it was 60 bucks, he freaked out on me like my dad used to do when I asked him for money.  Made a big deal about it, saying how does a protein drink cost THAT much?!?!?!  I told him it wasn’t a protein drink andasked him notto talk to me like that, he didn’t have to yell at me.  and then told him if i knew he was going to act like that I would have never asked him.  He tried to play it off, but then you could see it in his face he wasmiserable the whole time that he had to pay that much money for a nutrition drink for me.  Then tonight he tells me that it’s because if i was living with him i would not have had to get a drink in teh first place.  Yeah right….
I’m just so – exhausted.
The job situation isn’t going well, the relationship w/him isn’t going so well, my relationships w/other people aren’t going so well (meaning that I’m figuring out that I’m just there for them, and they aren’t there for me), my insides aren’t going so well.  I’m sick all the time (the scoliosis and spondylosis and god knows what else), when I am okay, it’s just the dread of life, my rage inside is getting out of control, I’m getting snippy w/my family and then having to go be alone so i don’t do it to anyone else, andthen feel like crap that I treated my family like that for no reason, my depression is getting really bad I take pills or medicine to make me sleep, or to just get me out of my own head, whatever I can find, then it tears my stomach up from being too harsh and I can’t eat right, and don’t have food anyway, I dont’ have any medicine to make me feel better, and i cannot afford to go get medicine to make me feel better, I cut and it doesn’t even help anymore.  I’m just- sinking.  Totally sinking to the bottom of that deep dark hole.  And then I get all weirded out and start thinking like I feel like I am crazy.  And then I think about how am I supposed to have good things happen in my life if all i can do is feel the negative, you know, the law of attraction.  Then, I’m tired of the stupid sounds, as embarrassing as that is, I’ve never told anyone.. no, I’ve told my bf, but he passes it off like I’m just crazy – maybe i am.. the music, i always hear music, faint, like it’s coming from 2 floors down.  Classical or alternative music most of the time.  Not all the time, but a lot.  mostly when I am laying down in bed trying to get to sleep late at night.  The other night, I got so scared because I heard this guy literally scream at me.  then I saw something.  Too much information.  Now I really feel bad.  But, I’m just exposing everything here in my blog, not thinking that anyone will actually read it.  You know I even wrote to the assessor of CareLink, this place that is suppossed to help people w/all kinds of problems, asked them for help w/the mental side, and they didn’t even write me back?  After I thought wow, this might be the one place I can get help NOW.  They didn’t even write me back.  I don’t know.  This is long and I could keep on going.  This doesn’t make me feel better, but I needed to get it out somewhere where I wouldn’t hear people telling me oh, it’s nothing, you know, it’s life.  it’ll go away, things will be better.  or my bf telling me well, if you would just move in w/me then everything, all your problems woudl be solved.  He literally told me basically that I shouldn’t have any goals because every goal I set for myself is just a let down and it just gets me down so why set them.  WHAT?  So, your telling me that I am just this loser who can’t achieve any goals?? That I should just stop setting goals because it is just going to be another let down and make me feel worse.  Nice.

I’m so f******g lost…. I don’t knwo what to do.  I really don’t.  My sis did give me one little piece of advice.  Her ex was bipolar, and she said we are so much alike, that maybe the one medicine he took would work for me.  Seroquel.  So, maybe when i get 60 bucks to get to the doctors I can mention it and maybe get lucky enough to try it?  I’m looking for a way out of where I am now.  Every time I try to help myself or my life, it’s just another depressing situation.  Like I said, I’m just ready to giveu p.  completely give up.  He said that to me too.  He wants me to have kids and be his maid wifey.  He said to me, maybe you were just meant to be a mom and wife.  Really.  So you want me to give up on every goal I have for myself because it’s just going to be a let down anyway, and just marry you and slave for you, and get bitched at if you have to put out any money for me, and even not, just in general for how much food costs or whatever because you like to do that to me, but i Can do your chores and cook your food and be your slave basically, and pop out a kid that I’m not even sure I want (what the hell, if I can’t even be healthy for a week physically, and then the mental problems on top of it, can you imagine me taking care of a baby?), then I’ll just be happy?  NO.  HE would be happy…. I have to go.  I can’t take this anymor. I don’t know anymore. I want to give up.  I want to quit life.  The s****iest part is that you can’t quit life. 


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