Ok – so my relationship with my husband is strained. My family relationships are strained. My relationship with my son is hard for me. Everyone that I trust completely is female. Females are also the ones that I hold a real distaste for as well in some situations.
My dad – the memory that always sticks out is when I told him I didn't want to finish college. He called me at 2 AM and told me that if he couldn't sleep that I didn't deserve to either. Told me he would have done everything to see me become a doctor. Problem was – I couldn't pass science. He doesn't remember that conversation. I think it also bothers me that he didn't stand up for me during all the crap.
My brother – we were close once. Now he lives three hours away. He stopped in the town where I live (he's a trucker) because he needed tires – didn't even call to say hello.
My first relationship – yeah – not good.
The doctors that i have – I trust the woman completely. The male doctors always seem like they are lying to me.
I don't like to be touched. Hugs from anyone are ok. Kisses – basically the only person who can kiss me without me pulling away (or wanting to) is my daughter. Sadly – not even my son can do it – and I have no idea why.
But that is why I am trying to figure out some of this stuff I guess.
Maybe my therapist is right – maybe it's because I don't like myself. There are very few things that I can say that I feel proud of in my life. If you ask me to say them out loud – that probably drops even further.
Who would have thought that at 31 years old – I would still be trying to figure out why I don't like me and why I feel like no one can accept me?