Ok – so my relationship with my husband is strained. My family relationships are strained. My relationship with my son is hard for me. Everyone that I trust completely is female. Females are also the ones that I hold a real distaste for as well in some situations.

My dad – the memory that always sticks out is when I told him I didn't want to finish college. He called me at 2 AM and told me that if he couldn't sleep that I didn't deserve to either. Told me he would have done everything to see me become a doctor. Problem was – I couldn't pass science. He doesn't remember that conversation. I think it also bothers me that he didn't stand up for me during all the crap.

My brother – we were close once. Now he lives three hours away. He stopped in the town where I live (he's a trucker) because he needed tires – didn't even call to say hello.

My first relationship – yeah – not good.

The doctors that i have – I trust the woman completely. The male doctors always seem like they are lying to me.

I don't like to be touched. Hugs from anyone are ok. Kisses – basically the only person who can kiss me without me pulling away (or wanting to) is my daughter. Sadly – not even my son can do it – and I have no idea why.

But that is why I am trying to figure out some of this stuff I guess.

Maybe my therapist is right – maybe it's because I don't like myself. There are very few things that I can say that I feel proud of in my life. If you ask me to say them out loud – that probably drops even further.

Who would have thought that at 31 years old – I would still be trying to figure out why I don't like me and why I feel like no one can accept me?

1 Comment
  1. RZA324 8 years ago

    Trust me your not alone.  I think it takes a whole lifetime, and for all of us that depends on what are lifetime is, to come to some sort of conclusion regarding ourselves and why we do what we do and why we think what we think.  Its called human growth and development.  I think that your questioning those things is a positive sign.  A lot of people don't even get to this part of their lives where they question why or how to change or come to term with themselves.  Anyway, keep growing, keep questioning, it keeps us alive.  Take Care

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