I just started this blog hoping it can help me feel better. I dont have many people i feel i can talk to so I guess this will do for now. I dont know where to begin.. I feel really lonely. Throughout my life, I havent made many lasting friendships mostly because I have an avoidant personality and I've been in a longterm relationship with my boyfriend so being friends with other people wasnt important to me. I never really put the extra effort, and things juist became worse once my dad died about a year and a half ago. Now things are really bad, and I feel like I'm stuck especially since I almost died last week after having life-saving surgery because of a ruptured ovarian cyst that caused internal bleeding for almost 20 hours. While I was being wheeled into the operating room I felt like my life had been a waste, and I had no friends to show for it. I dont even have strong ties to anyone in my family. The only person i am connected to is my boyfriend, but I feel like his patience with my crying and self-destructiveness is running thin. I really feel like he would me better off without me. I just really wish I had friends. It seems like the simplest thing for alot of people but for me it is almost unattainable. I dont feel like anyone could really understand me, and if someone did that person would eventually disappear from my life. I dont know what to do. I feel like attacking myself because I'm so tired of the way I have made things for myself. Crying is not helping much anymore. Taking benadryl to fall asleep early isnt helping much either. Sometimes I just want to be alone, but it gets to me hard.