That happy normal feeling didn't last 12 hours. I got about 1 hour of sleep since I posted that last blog. For the first 3 hours I laid there awake with thoughts of what I'd say and how I'd say it running through my head. I was so nervous about telling her how much I love her and want to be with her and my baby that I completely overlooked the biggest flaw of all – what if she no longer has feelings for me and has completely written me off and moved on? That took care of my normal feeling in a snap and ruined everything. I don't know what I'll do if she has completely moved on. Having a child of my own is great but I will be missing out on over half of the experiences the mother is having since I won't be able to share in them and once my baby is born we'll have shared custody. I won't be with my baby all of the time and I don't think she will be too willing to let me take my baby anywhere without her which is understandable. I'm not too happy about her having my baby all of the time either but this is OUR baby. I'm going to ask her if she still has any feelings at all for the man she started caring about for the first month, the one that gave her this miracle, the one she felt happier than she has in along time with, the man she felt comfortable telling things to that she hadn't told anyone before. If she does still have any feelings at all I'm going to suggest couples counseling. I need this to work for my baby but also for myself for the sake of my sanity and existence. I won't commit suicide, but I'm sure whatever will happen will be just as bad. I imagine myself wasting away to nothing just going about the motions of living without any real purpose. I'm not popular with the ladies, I'm not physically attractive but do feel I have a good personality and a good head on my shoulders. I don't like large groups of people, dancing, bars, I'm Agnostic so I don't go to church, so my only real option is dating sites. I can't date anyone before my baby is born because what womanwould want to date someone who is still seeing their ex on a monthly basis knowing a miracle may happen and they get back togetheror for the first few months/year after my baby is born I'll be spending as much time as I can over there. Anyone worth their salt wouldn't set themselves up for a massive potential failure like that no matter how remote.
Dammit! Why is life so fucking difficult! I never asked to be a mortal angelmaking peoples lives better and giving miracles with nothing in return! When do I get my miracle?I'd be happy forever if I could just have her and my baby. Crying doesn't even cover it right now.