I was going to write a blog about how rainy days make me feel, but it stopped raining just as soon as I started. I wish it would continue raining. I feel normal on rainy days, I can’t stand the sun anymore. Even if it doesn’t rain the rest of today, I hope it stays cloudy. How I wish it would continue raining! I’m just sitting here with my Irish Breakfast tea, listening to the jazz station, hearing the cars go by on the wet street. My husband always says he pretends the whoosh of the cars going by is like the crashing of ocean waves. I wish I had that kind of imagination. I would love to go to the beach on a rainy day. I would love to go to the beach any day, really.

My tea doesn’t taste right for some reason. Maybe it was a bad batch. Who knows. I don’t have any plans for today, other than my usual chores (doing the dishes and making the bed). I don’t feel like I can even do those. I’m going to light my Black Panther candle, it’s dark in here. I like it like this. Cloudy. I’ve lit sandalwood incense too, I love the smell of it. I usually postpone doing the dishes until 9;30, sometimes I do it earlier, sometimes later. How I wish it would continue raining! I’m almost on my second cup of Irish Breakfast tea. I usually drink 3-4 cups of it per day. I’m sure the caffeine doesn’t help my anxiety at all, but I’m addicted to it.  I don’t know what to write about now, I just know that I want to keep writing. These days are all a blur, my mind goes blank at an alarming rate. I’m trying so hard to remember what it was my husband and I were talking about last night. I know it had something to do with wrestling, he was looking for something online pertaining to his old wrestling coach. But there was something else that I just can’t grasp.

I’m flirting with the idea of returning to Wicca, and syncretizing the two faiths, Christianity and Wicca. Smelling the sandalwood incense, which I used to burn as an offering to Mother Gaia and Mother Selene, is taking me back to my Wiccan days. I have rededicated my life to Christ, but I can’t find His presence anywhere. Something about how hands-on Wicca is appeals to me, and I’m wondering if maybe I will find Jesus in Wicca. There are Christian Wiccans out there. I had to turn down the jazz station, it was a song with lyrics. I prefer instrumental jazz. I just don’t feel safe in the world, no matter where I am or what I do. There is a bad voice in my head, telling me I am not safe. The fear that I feel matches what the bad voice is telling me, so I am full of despair.

I wish so much that it would rain, because that would mean my husband could come home. He can’t do his job in the rain. I mean, we need him to work, because we don’t have a lot of money, but I am losing my ability to be home without him. And I know he didn’t want to go into work today. We could spend the day here at home together, loving each other, and maybe going out for a hike. I like to hike in the rain, although it’s no longer raining. There will just be mud out there, but I don’t mind getting dirty.

Speaking of mud, I put henna on my hair the other day. I wish I had read some of the henna websites before I applied it, because then I wouldn’t have used shampoo during the rinse-out. Shampoo can cause the henna to adhere less to the strands. I think my color would be stronger if I hadn’t used the shampoo. My husband came home! I guess the little bit of rain we had was enough. I’m still feeling weird, though. Usually I feel better when he comes home, but today I just feel awful. I feel like I’m disappearing! I need help! I don’t know what to do! Sorry for panicking in the middle of a blog, but I’m really struggling right now. Even though my husband is here.  I just want to feel ok again! I just want to feel ok! Why is that so much to ask for? I don’t feel safe anywhere. I just want to feel ok again, I need some relief. I need Jesus, He is the answer to all my problems. It’s just that I can’t find Him anywhere. I don’t even know where to look. The world looks so terrible to my eyes, how could God be here in this awful place? I could really use the wisdom of a spiritual director right about now.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist at 11 today. I don’t know what to tell him- no, the Seroquel is not helping me feel any better. I’m having severe derealization, severe voices in my head, and severe anxiety. Of the three, the derealization is the worst. It feels like I’m disappearing! I don’t know what to do.


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