It seems that nothing seems to go my way, well thats’ how it is when your me! Hi all, I am not alright and others are starting to realize that more and more each and everyday. My name is Rebecca but you can mention me as Bek. I have been suffering with OCD for as long as I could remember when I was a kid water could not spill, everything had to be right, and today water is my friend everything still has to be right but I have to be clean. I suffer from panic attacks, and only recently I have persued being medicated but I ended the medication because it made me a zombie, I am not sure if everyone feels that way but yes darn-it, I may be living life crazily but at least I am living. So what if I desire to wash my body with bleach, at least I have an emotion. I have been told countless number of times from medical professionals that I need to seek a therapist but heres the funny thing I have trust issues. How can I deal? I am trying but I have been burned by most males who matter most, which led to me not being able to trust a male therapist, and females are mainly out against you. This is my thinking. I wish sometimes I can rid myself of OCD and live life, I try. Okay I tried only once, I went on my bed with clothes I work downstairs…EEEEEEeeeeeek, can you guess what happened? Stripped my bed, took a shower, washed the sheets, took a shower, made the bed and didnt leave my room. There was one man who made my OCD subside and it was just for a little bit. He was named Stephen and he recently just picked up and moved to FL and of…today. So yea there goes the one guy who did not think of my OCD as stupid and he did not laugh at me he laughed with me. He allowed me to yell at him and santize him before he came near me. Yet, now he left without saying goodbye and it hurts beyond belief. It feels like life is being turned upside down, and theres all more reason to cry. I want to try to overcome my OCD,I want to, I need to. But what if I can’t what if, everything I do doesn’t help? This is my life, I’m afraid of Germs, I go through clothes like there is no tomorrow. I detest germs like there is no tomorrow. I hate panic attacks, I wish someday to be different for the better. I want to start taking one step forward and not 1000000 steps back. OCD is killing me mentally outward. I want a life, I want my life. I want a life without OCD, yet I know my wants are just a dream. Yet, a girl can dream right?