It\’s been a rough couple of weeks. I\’ve been dealing with a breakup, of sorts. More of an online, getting to know someone, going where I wanted to, and then they just up and disappeared, sort of situation. Not really a breakup, but that\’s how my brain is taking it, and treating it as such is helping me move on. I think the OCD is the worst factor in this right now. Going over and over and over what happened, why he disappeared, what did I do wrong, and on and on. No answers. No answers is thei worst. The suggestion of my best friend and my therapist was meditation – specifically loving-kindness meditations. In my therapist\’s words, \”It\’s impossible to hate someone if you\’ve been sending them love and kindness and no suffering all the time.\” And he\’s right. It\’s been about a week and a half and I\’m starting to feel better. So there\’s that.

In not so good news, I bought a pack of cigarettes. That is no good, no good at all. This is clearly stress related. But also, I just hit 90 days of no weed, and I\’m told that at this point, I\’m \”fully feeling everything.\” And I think I\’m grasping for some sort of drug, even if it\’s a nicotine high. Or I\’m grasping for some type of drug that makes me feel crappy (because with the weed, the high would be great for about an hour, and then I\’d just be horribly anxious), and the cigarettes certainly do that.

But in positive news….no sugar today. That\’s something. And I’ve started sleeping a little better than I was for awhile. And I’ve started reading a book, albeit slowly.

Though historically I love reading, I’ve been struggling with it the last few years. My usual way of trying to “avoid anxiety” is to do as many things as possible all at once. Watch tv, play a game on my phone, color in a coloring book, and text a friend or three. Reading requires all my concentration, and I fight it. Why do I fight it? You’d think reading and having all my concentration on one absorbing thing would relieve the anxiety. Am I avoiding relief? Maybe because while anxiety is horrible, it’s also what I’m most familiar with? Sometimes I think I continue a lot of my negative behaviors because they are familiar, even if they’re miserable.

I’m testing out this blog thing. I am not a fan of the character requirements. That entire above paragraph was to reach the character requirement. But maybe it will help to write about this stuff in a semi public place? We’ll see. I’m a little concerned that interacting so much in forums focused around mental illness. I’m afraid if I focus on it too much it will become my only identity. Or maybe I’m afraid that’s already the case.

Enough, enough for today. Back to binge watching The Mindy Project, because it’s so comforting, relatable, and escapist. Though I should go to bed and read my book.

  1. notalone2014 6 years ago

    Hey @chandrakali, sounds like you’re actually doing some really positive stuff in your life like talking to a therapist and your best friend and giving up weed. That’s awesome! Don’t sweat the small stuff. If you stay off the cigarettes today give yourself a bloody pat on the back but if that’s what you need to get through the day then I think you’re still doing amazingly. I’m sure you’ve been told before “one day at a time…”, sometimes you’ve got to get through one minute at a time. Stop beating yourself up and enjoy the Mindy project. It’s a great show. 😉

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  2. bridgie101 6 years ago

    I know when I broke up with the guy I quit smoking for I had a terrible urge to start again. Terrible. Somehow to return myself to where I was before I met him.

    And it was only a realisation that stopped me, that quitting smoking was the one good thing that had come out of that relationship, so I should look after it. I had to not wallow in the sort of self pity which would leave me 2 years older, more wrinkles, less money, and nothing whatsoever to show. Not smoking was a real success and worth keeping.

    As to coming on here? it’s a bit of a quiet site. It’s good to talk to other people with problems though, because you realise you’re not so different after all. And sometimes they have good ideas. And sometimes you have good ideas.

    I couldn’t read either, by the way. Or watch telly, or listen to music. I found anxiety responded well to any kind of interaction buzz; like a like on a website, or a reply. I could handle relationships at that kind of arms length, on paper, on a website – but couldn’t read a book. No interaction. No buzz. to be fair I’d been very lonely for about 10 yrs by then. Interaction was terrifying to me, but also desperately wanted by me. So the interaction would increase the anxiety and I’d get waves of panic at least daily. I wonder, maybe I got addicted to that panic.

    Anyway just follow your nose and you’ll get out of this. don’t overthink it. 😀 😀 😀

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