Hey everybody! 🙂

Been awhile, I know. Gotta catch up with all of you. 🙂

I've been having my ups and downs. I'm just glad I haven't been having a constant low day in and day out–I know what that's like and I do not want to go back to it! Instead, I'm basically a psycho who has her moments of helplessness and insanity every single day, as well as her moments of great joy….lol But hey, I see that as a huge improvement to where I once was.

I went too long withouta shower again. I hate taking showers. They are just a big, BIG bundle of stress for me. But I'm proud of myself. First thing this morning after taking my meds and eating a piece of bread (just to prevent a stomach ache from the pills, etc.), I jumped in the shower. Still took longer than I would've liked and it was still stressful, but I'm so glad to have that out of my way for now!

You know one reason I hate taking showers? See, I hate feeling dirty. But even when I take a shower, I don't feel clean anyway. I never feel like I'm clean. I always think I still smell something on myself or feel something…. So really, at least when I'msitting here, knowing I'm filthy, sweaty, and stinky I can feel a little more sane. I start feeling like I must be a lunatic when I've scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed myself and STILL feel like I'm dirty even though I know I'm not. At least when I really am dirty it's not some kind of delusion. lol

Oh, yes, and am I relieved to have the shower over with? Yes, but not really. I have this tension building…every moment takes me closer to when I'll have to shower again. I can feel myself sweat, I can feel when I step on some dust, when some food gets on my face…I'm DIRTY!!!! I need to get CLEAN!!! *sigh* I exaggerate some, but…not much.