I have OCD and I have had it for over 30 years. As i child i was a happy go lucky kid a day dreamer. I had more girlfriends before I was eight than since then. I am now 40. But one day on my grandmothers farm, I was abused sexually by an older boy. i wished he killed me that day, because he destroyed my life. Aids was the big thing and as I heard adults taking about it i became obsessed that I had it or that i had been made gay. I tried and failed to speak to my family. My parents being ultra religious banned sex from being discussed. Even if a scene on tv showed a man and a woman about to kiss the tv would be turned off. I was not allowed to been with girls and worst off all i was not allowed outside after 8pm. I was the oldest boy on the road and i spend my night listening to younger kids learning about life. Evenually I was not allowed to hang around with the kids on the street but my brother 2 years younger than i was, as they were around his age. I was left with no friends. Eventually i did make a friend my own age, but he was as interested in girls as i was but obviously without my problems. I was afraid that if i kissed a girl she would get aids, or if there was any touching she would notice that I was different. My new friend decided i was a burden and hung out with others instead. Alone again.  I made another friend from school and I hung out on his road. His younger brother and his friends accepted me. I felt embarressed hanging out on that road with them, but i had no-one else.

When i turned 18, i rebelled and my parents had no control over me. I turned to drink and drank to much. I found a new friend who introduced me to his friends, and my school friend disowned me.Although i had my problems, i had been doing Martial Arts from Child-hood and that had given me a healthy figure. Girls found me attractive. And despite my own problems i always tried to be nice to everyone. So people in the area did like me, but i was so restricted before the age of 18 and after i turned 18 i drank too much, which at times made my ocd and depression worse.I was with this group for a few years. Before I met these guys they were afraid of there own shadows. but they found me like a bodyguard and someone who helped them build up their confidence. I realised at the end that they used me. if i am honest i knew they were but i needed friends. My OCD and Depression was still ruining my life. One night I told one of the guys who i though i could trust that I had been abused, and he said he would help and support me. but he didn’t, instead he spread ruomers that I was into kids and he kept making fun of me because i had been abused.By the way I am not into kids so what he said upset me so much. I got angry frustrated and depressed. I questioned who could help me or if anyone cared.

at the age of 24 i found myself again without friends. So i threw myself into work. I joined the Civil Service, working for The Revenue Dept. After a few years i decided to try to save money and buy a house in Wexford in the South of Ireland, 200 miles away from my Grandmother house. The idea being the people could visit me instead of going to the farm, witch my grandmother owed but has not lived in for 70 years. We were brought there as kids for summer holidays. But i hated the place so much and didn’t want others going there.

Everything is slow in Ireland. I applied from the transfer from Dublin to Wexford and was accepted in a few weeks, but the transfer took 5 years. I was moved to another Dept, and suffered 5 years of bullying.

After i got to Weford i started looking around for a house. Twice i put down deposits and twice the deal fell threw. The first house I pulled out of as the builders where playing games and lying about contracts. The 2nd house was sold to someone else after i had paid my deposit. Shortly after that I had a breakdown. I was told it would be hard to get a loan if the bank knew i was on medication so i went down to a low dose. Thinking back now i have no idea where hat came from or how they could ever know??

I went home to Dublin and told my mother i had suffered abuse as a child, we went and spoke to my doctor. I finally thought i was going to get help.I finally thought i would be free. A few days later my mother was hit by a car. i was on my way back to work in Wexford when my father called. i had gone back to Wexford that day as it was a Monday and also someone was supposed to be coming to my apartment to move in. As i was told my mother was alive and stable, i being a nice honest person when on to the office and told my colleagues what happened that i was going home. My lease on the apartment had to be extended. i thought i would have moved into my own house at that stage, so i went to the estate agency and got an extra month. i then waited for this guy to come over to the appartment. While waiting i was phoning home for news and my dad told me to stay the night in wexford and go home the next day that my mother was ok. I was praying and praying, asking for guidence, begging for help. Of course the guy never showed up. I had stayed because the OCD was saying he might arrive, what a curse. 11.30pm i decided to go home. A few weeks later  i went back to wexford gathered my stuff and went home, I have never been back to Wexford.

I was off work for 4 months. When i went back i was put into a section i found ok, and build back up my confidence.

But then i got anxious and changed Dept again. My section was being disbanded and i feared that i was going to be out back into the office where i had been bullied. My new department, is a new HR dept, we 300 staff look after 37000 people. The senior managers admit the dept is a disaster. Everyone is stressed out. Somehow during my 3 years i have managed to get promoted, So i had to stay to see out my promotion. My sister needed me to bring her to college nearby so that is another reason i am still there.

But last year i finally managed to tell my father that I had been abused. He was shocked to hear it, and then said that I had suffered for 30 years for someone elses crimes. The doctor had said something similar. The doctor siad that I had been tortoured by myself for all those years.

I have been up and down ever since. I am very confused.  for weeks i used to run over to a nearby church every change i got and beg for help. Nowdays i cannot go near a church. A few months ago i realised that praying was a new obsession, and that prayers had never helped me. As a child i promised god that I would accept my burden if he would spare my family from troubles. Without going into details i feel God let me down. I found out no-one else in my family was abused, and we had other troubles.

By the way writing this down is causing me severe anxiety. I FEAR God will punish me for saying this.

This leads me onto my big fear.

I am convinced that God and the Devil are 2 sides of the same coin. I think that they are one being. I think that God allows suffering and i think God is torturing me. Recent events lead me to think he will punish me for what i have written. I am not testing God. But i am tired of suffering and tired of praying for help, and exhausted by the stress i find myslef under everyday.

I mentioned recent events. In my Therapy group i mentioned that If God is within all of us then we are God. What i mean is that he should believe in ourselves and not feel the need to pray/beg for help, as that might be seen as a sign of weekness. I prayed a begged for 30 years, but it was only when i forced myself to speak up to my Mam, my Doctor and my Father, that i got some relief.

However i am now left with a feeling of regret.

So i am very angry. I am angry with God, so i stopped praying. When i did so i got back luck. I have been over to a very stressful section, and my OCD is flaring up. The other day i was so wound up, i reversed into another car.

So what is going on. I need my luck to change, i need the stress to go away, i need my boss to go away. But I am reluctant to pray as i don’t want that compulsion ever again.

Have I just had bad luck for over 30 years.

I called in sick yesterday and my doctor put me back on meds. I am so very confused. How did I end up back here again. 12 months meds free. Guess I was slipping back but refused to admit it. I think that I wouldn’t be in this mess if I accepted I need the meds to live. I really hope that I learn to accept this if this is the reality. I desire a life without meds but maybe that’s not for me.

Will people accept me?

Is there any point in going on?

My father is having calm conversations with me. He told me that his life is easy but we all have to keep fighting.

My mother doesn’t want me to give up.

Morning is the most difficult part of the day for me. I don’t know if I am better in or out of work these day’s.

Hopefully in a few weeks I will have a more pleasant blog.

5 Comments
  1. Author
    markup 5 years ago

    I am terrified of wasting time. I now feel that I have just lost a year through a bad decision. I find staying at home really hard as I feel useless. But I’m terrified of going back to work. I think that I took the wrong week off. Friday I need to ask for time off next week. I fear conflict in work andn not being able to cope.

    As usual I have shed tears but I seem to had an inability to cry. I wish I could cry and just let it all out.

    I should have taken my mother’s advice and went back on my meds months ago.

    My mam is much smarter and stronger than me. But I argue with her so much it’s unbearable.

    She tells me that she loves me and today for the first time in years I said that I love her also.

    I couldn’t say it for years as I thought it was her seeking attention. I guess she needed to know she was loved.

    I feel so bad. So useless. I feel like a burden on everyone.

    But I try so hard and give so much.

    I know that I am too hard on myself but don’t know how to love myself

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    • Author
      markup 5 years ago

      Life terrifies me. I feel like a prisoner. My job is very stressful and I can’t cope. My boss is driving me crazy so I wish I could tell her to fuck off and leave me alone.
      My past won’t let me move on so my future looks bleak.
      I have so many lost days and wish that there was a reset button.
      Time goes fast which frightens me. It also depresses me.
      I have a loneliness that my family don’t understand

      I feel that I am going to go into a depression that I won’t be able to get out of. I don’t want to kill myself but live has become increasingly difficult

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    • kitmoon 5 years ago

      Many of us don’t know how to love ourselves. It doesn’t matter how smart you are. I think it’s not a thing you can learn by understanding it. You learn a little about it from seeing other people who love themselves. Or you learn it from feeling pain/anger for someone who’s been in your situation and through a similar suffering. I think that’s why a lot of us come here to this site. We read about someone else’s pain and when we feel anger or grief for them – because it feels so familiar – it sometimes shakes loose something in ourselves. I don’t know why that is, but it is.

      However lost you feel now, the boy who was abused knew less and had even less resources. He suffered for years for no good reason, because when you’re a child you don’t know how to deal with horrible things that happen, and if you have no help, you suffer alone and in the dark. That’s a lot of people’s story. I haven’t had sexual abuse, but emotional abuse. I have lived a lot of my life in a sort of state of frozen state, wishing I could let the pain out but terrified of doing so, and feeling like the unexpressed pain is squeezing the life out of me. I will be 37 in a few months and only this year found myself able to say to myself ‘that thing which happened to me when I was a child that caused me such suffering didn’t need to happen, but it did, and it fucking hurt’. That made me cry. Looking for reasons may help in some ways, but it doesn’t get the hurt out. But admitting that it didn’t need to happen, that it shouldn’t have happened, but it did happen, and it caused you to suffer – that does. And no eight-year old deserves abuse. Yes, it happens. Yes, it causes pain. No, not a single one of them deserves it.

      I have my own beliefs about why people suffer and why God allows suffering. (I don’t believe it’s punishment, but I have to remind myself of that a LOT) But I think it’s also just honest to say that ‘what happened to me was shit and I wouldn’t wish that pain on any other child, and not on myself.’ That’s just true.

      I don’t think you’re bad or useless. Nobody who tries this hard is worthless – not to me, and not to a lot of other people. I read so many blogs from people who are struggling with things that no human alive is born knowing how to cope with and so many of them feel like they’re useless. I’m sure some would say that not everyone is useful or needed but then those people either never suffered or they’re dead inside from their own pain and either way, they’re wrong. ”Am I worth something” is not something the head can ever answer. The next time you pass a child on the street, ask if you’d want them to go through what you did and then spend the next thirty years struggling, only to conclude that they’re bad and useless?

      By the way, if you can’t cry it out – then perhaps you can shake it out, physically. That works for me sometimes.

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  2. delane 5 years ago

    Markup, your story means something….Well, it means quite a few things, but from what i can see, you are not one to give up. Sexual abuse–towards anyone–is traumatic and is very hard to ‘hide’…. The scars remain. While a lot of what you’ve described makes perfect sense to me, i feel like you might benefit from some type of therapy or support group–if available to you. The meds, while they’re definitely tough to get used to again, and have their own side effects, hopefully, will do some good in the long-run. Your fears aren’t totally unreasonable, and i feel like if you openly vented, without judgment, you may be able to figure out some things for yourself, as well as input from others. Friends….*sigh…sometimes, can be a huge blessing, and other times, a complete and utter curse. All i can say with regards to that one: be careful. i feel like your father (and your mother, for that matter) really wants to be there for you. If you can, why not lean a little on him/them? (just a suggestion)
    All i know for certain: you’ve been through the ringer, like a lot of us have. Just try and be good to yourself and know that you matter!!!

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  3. truemidge 5 years ago

    Markup, I am going to post something here for you that is precious to me. It is part of a song I wrote, a song that, save for my children, is one of the greatest things I’ve ever created. I’m terrified to post it, here, on the Internet, where anyone could take & use it, but you need it, right now. I hope you can hear the music. 🙂

    ***Please, please, please, if you are reading this, respect my Soul & insane survivor struggle & do not use my song. I am financially poor & my music is my only Dream & Hope to make a living (someday) for my Family, and doing my part to help save the world. Thank you. 🙂

    Don’t be deceived by the better than
    Don’t you believe in the better than, People
    It isn’t True to you, I promise that you can
    Put down the lie of the better than

    Your Soul is Worth that of every Man
    Our Souls are Worthy of every other Man
    We have to find the Balance, so finally we can
    See ourselves True, through the better than

    We’re all so different, yet we’re all the same
    We’re all so different, yet we’re all the same People
    We’re all a one flawed by this world we’re livin in
    It’s not about shame, and it’s not about sin
    We’ve graces and beauties in this skin we’re livin in, People

    People, O People
    People, oh People, woah woah woah
    I say, People, my People, People, People, can’t you see
    We gotta wake up, if we wanna Be Free
    We gotta wake up, if we wanna Be Free

    …there’s way more but I don’t have access to it, right now, sorry. 🙁

    We are Divine, and Worthy of all Good things. Nearly everything broken & unbalanced in the world are symptoms of essential & Good things denied us, taken from us, twisted to make look bad. It can be traced back through history, and greatly affects many aspects of our current societies & perceptions. Actual proof is out there & inside that Divine Primal Soul of ours. We are Mighty, that we’ve even survived this world, when it’s so hard just to live in it. <3 You are Loved, and Worthy of that Love <3 Be Well <3

    truemidge

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