People without ocd seriously get on my nerves at times. I TRY to understand that they just don't have ocd so they just lack understanding of it. They make fun or jokes about ocd. Like it's funny at all… Every ex I've ever had has lacked understanding in it and we end up arguing over something so stupid. Every time something major happens in my family I'm like the "ugly duckling" or "black sheep" that jsut stands out cuz I'm different. I handle things differently. I get angry too quickly. I take things too seriously. I isolate myself from others when I need space. I need more space than others. I've always been socialable and capable of making friends. My family does adore me. But it's SOOO frustrating when I have to do things a cetain way. Sometimes I feel selfish… For example, my sister who I rarely see since she joined the military flew in for a week. Well she has always taken good care of me and been fairly selfless when it comes to opening up with arms to my needs in life like a car or tv. HOwever… She needed to borrow catching equipment (softball) from me since she joined a team. She wanted to borrow it in order to save like 300 dollars on new equipment. As a loving sister and a good Christian, I SHOULD easily give her my gear to borrow. Give her the shirt off my back if needed. But my ocd was TOTALLY against it. It was telling me all these lies that would or could possibly happen if she were to borrow it. I felt like if I did the right thing that it would put me in a slight depression state in life. So I told her no ;'(. It broke my heart. Cuz I wanted to lend her the gear. I wanted to be a good person. I wanted what my ocd told me I couldn't have. I am so sad that I couldn't do it. I feel like a jerk like scum. I wish I could give her the gear. It's just a possession, an object, a material. It will honestly do nothing, yet ocd makes me feel like it would've. I feel disappointed in myself. And quite frankly, a little scared of what if a life-threatening situation ever happens will my ocd be able to control my actions then as well?!?. I hope not. I hope I never have to find out.