Things have been unimaginably hard as of late.
I conquered very few things and have fallen once again.
I left Texas. Finally. And moved to Iowa for my husband. We got back together to say the least.
We are currently living with his Sister, her Boyfriend and their two kids. Currently residing in a tiny bedroom with our treasures locked away in a storage unit.
Other than the fresh air and mesmerizing scenery, I feel lost all the time. Everyone I know, over a thousand miles away. My dad and I have clashed in the past, but I've never missed him this much. I catch myself telling my husbands family about things my dad and I used to do when I was younger. It's amazing how moving this far can give you the ability to remember things you've long forgotten. It's a magic power.
My husband and I haven't been too keen on each other lately. I don't blame either of us though. There are stressful obstacles at the moment.
My ability to cope with my depression has become increasing limited.
The urge to cut is insufferable. It plays over and over in my head. Then I look at my daughter, and I hate myself even more. I always have. I truely hate myself. I repulse myself.
I fear everything. My skin is boiling. I can't stand anything anymore. I hate people, conviences, ignoranges, we are our own death. Life is nothing but sufferages of all sorts. One empty trivial pursuit. Life is wasted by us. I can feel the earth dying. I can't breath anymore.
I look into my childs eyes and see a painful future. Unimaginable tragedies we've bestowed upon the young and future generations.
Nothing has importance anymore. Money, material items, freedom. We are trapped in one body for an insignifanct lifetime. We are blessed with conception, and grow to be explorers of the universe and thrown into the womb of a failing soceity. Toddlerhood is the gateway into a temperary wonderland. Then thier reality crushes them.
As time passes, our chance to find ourselves and find happiness fades.
There is so much sadness.
I used to think that killing myself would lead to a dark paradise.
Then I close my eyes and imagine a world without my daughter. My love for her is true. I fear death.
But I hurt so much. I don't know what to do.