I don't understand the world I live in, never have. Life in my mind has always been a movie, and I guess thats the root of things, in some way or another. I've layed awake countless nights, crying and asking the silence of my room to help me. so badly I wanted someone to come in and hug me, take the pain away. I thought That maybe I need just suffer until the movie pans back to my life, and I get the love and happiness that people get in movies. Its not happening though, and it can't. I've known fear and pity all my life, my best friends leading me along my path. I can't lose them, I have nothing else. I feel nothing else. I talk like my lifes a movie, the kind of self-indulgent crap that only sounds moving from some big-named star. Not a 22year old marilyn manson wannabe with stress acne and bad breath. Unpleasant to look at and more uncomfortable to talk to. I don't remember things anymore, whether its a tv show from yesterday or my favorite childhood book. Its their in my mind, but it feels like fog. The harder I try to remember, the less I see in my mind. It leaves me nothing to talk about, nothing to want, just nothing. I don't want weed anymore, I don't want drugs or alcohol. I don't want a girlfriend or lifelong friends. I don't want to aspire or be inspired. I want to go in my sleep, something I hope for every night. I don't want a painful death, thats not fair. When its said and done I'd like one moment of my life to have been truly pain free. And once I post this some of you might be kind enough to respond with hope and encouragement, which I'll read. And then this is all over. I'll still be sad and hurting, still jobless. All of this just a momentary distraction, and its not enough. im done. im done im done im donei miss you nummie